This book is the eighth of my father's books, written in 2004. I hope this will be a blessing to you. All that is written below are the words of my father and my mother. How rich they are indeed!
Acknowledgments 
In loving memory of my father
Robert Louis (Bob) Padgett
July 28, 1931-May 22, 2023
Robert Louis (Bob) Padgett
July 28, 1931-May 22, 2023
We are deeply indebted to our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, for allowing us to experience and understand a small measure of His Truth, as written in the Word and as revealed by the Holy Spirit. NO man can understand the Word of God or the ways of God unless they are revealed to him by His Spirit.
But the natural man receiveth not the things of the Spirit of God: for they are foolishness unto him: neither can he know them, because they are spiritually discerned. 1 Corinthians 2:14
We acknowledge the support and encouragement from each other, for this was a real team work. Most of the general scriptural insights came from Bob; most of the revelations concerning a Christian wife’s relationship with her husband came from Linda.
All verses quoted herein are taken from the Authorized or King James' version, except as specifically noted at the appropriate places.
Permission is freely given to anyone to copy all or parts of this book and to distribute this word in any way that you desire, PROVIDED that you do so without any monetary remuneration. The word of God is free! "Freely you have received, freely give"
The Unfolding: Volume 8
This book represents the eighth in a series of books centered around the unfolding of the word of God and the revelation or manifestation or unfolding of His great grace and glory.
The secret things belong unto the Lord our God: but those things which are revealed belong unto us and to our children forever, that we may do all the words of this law. Deuteronomy 29:29
For there is nothing covered, that shall not be revealed; neither hid, that shall not be known. Luke 12:2
God has revealed more of Himself and His word over the years. But there is coming a time when God is going to roll everything back up into Himself. A possible analogy is that of unrolling a scroll so as to read what is written thereon and then rolling the scroll back up. That was the inspiration for the front and back covers of this book and for those volumes in the series yet to come.
And all the host of heaven shall be dissolved, and the heavens shall be rolled together as a scroll ... Isaiah 34:4
God's purpose is to manifest His glory. Everything is designed to show forth the glory of God.
And the glory of the Lord shall be revealed, and all flesh shall see it together: for the mouth of the Lord hath spoken it. Isaiah 40:5
Some verses that clearly show that God has chosen to reveal more of Himself and His word over a period of time are:
Who verily was foreordained before the foundation of the world, but was manifest in these last times for you. 1 Peter 1:20
But now the righteousness of God without the law is manifested, being witnessed by the law and the prophets. Romans 3:21
The Holy Ghost this signifying, that the way into the holiest of all was not yet made manifest, while as the first tabernacle was yet standing. Hebrews 9:8
Which in other ages was not made known unto the sons of men, as it is now revealed unto His holy apostles and prophets by the Spirit. Ephesians 3:5
And He will destroy in this mountain the face of the covering cast over all people, and the vail that is spread over all nations. Isaiah 25:7
God's revelation, by His Spirit, is not simply TO us, but WITHIN us. The Word of God must become flesh, for example,
15 But when it pleased God, who separated me from my mother’s womb, and called me by His grace,
16 To reveal His Son in me, that I might preach Him among the heathen; immediately I conferred not with flesh and blood. Galatians 1:15-16
26 Even the mystery which hath been hid from ages and from generations, but now is made manifest to His saints:
27 To whom God would make known what is the riches of the glory of this mystery among the Gentiles; which is Christ in you, the hope of glory. Colossians 1:26-27
There is still more that God intends to reveal of His glory.
Father, glorify Thy name. Then came there a voice from heaven, saying, I have both glorified it, and will glorify it again. John 12:28
For the earnest expectation of the creature waiteth for the manifestation of the sons of God. Romans 8:19
We believe in progressive revelation. The Lord is unfolding more and more of Himself and His Truth. The Holy Spirit continues to reveal deeper levels of meaning to the same verse. Peter said,
Wherefore I will not be negligent to put you always in remembrance of these things, though ye know them, and be established in the present truth. 2 Peter 1:12
The existence of present truth implies that there is future truth still to be unfolded. Jesus said that the Holy Spirit would lead us into ALL truth. Jesus IS the Truth! However, we believe that it will take an eternity for the Holy Spirit to reveal to us all of the Truth. Even the angels in heaven do not know everything about the Truth!
Unto whom [the prophets] it was revealed, that not unto themselves, but unto us they did minister the things, which are now reported unto you by them that have preached the gospel unto you with the Holy Ghost sent down from heaven; which things the angels desire to look into. 1 Peter 1:12
We have believed for years that there should be fresh revelation from the Lord through the Holy Spirit in EVERY assembly of believers, whether two or three or three hundred. We do NOT think that the Lord is pleased when ministers rehash the same word for twenty years.
If any thing be revealed to another [prophet] that sitteth by, let the first hold his peace. 1 Corinthians 14:30
But there will come a time when God folds everything back up. Many believers sense that folding up is near at hand.
And as a vesture shalt Thou fold them up, and they shall be changed ...
Hebrews 1:12
And when all things shall be subdued unto Him, then shall the Son also Himself be subject unto Him that put all things under Him, that God may be all in all. 1 Corinthians 15:28
"For our God is a consuming fire" (Hebrews 12:29), and everything shall be consumed by the fire of His Spirit, that God may be all in all.
Foreword
The eight books in this series, to date, are:
Volume 1: The Love Of A Man For His Wife
Volume 2: In The Beginning
Volume 3: A Sure Foundation
Volume 4: Let Us Go On
Volume 5: Children, Have You Any Meat?
Volume 6: Discerning Things That Differ
Volume 7: The Last Joel
Volume 8: Marriage Principles For Christians: A Journey Of Love
We originally believed that there would be only five books in this series. Shortly after the Lord apprehended us, we thought it would be difficult to come up with a different message every Sunday. After writing these eight books we have changed our mind. We have found that EVERY time that we sit down to write on some topic, the Lord gives us more insight ... truth that we have never heard nor seen in print. We believe that we are living in a time of great acceleration, both in the natural realm and in the spiritual realm. People are running to and fro and knowledge has increased. This is also a season when the Holy Spirit is shedding much light on the Word of God. Therefore, we fully expect, the Lord willing, that this will NOT be the last book that we will write. Just in the course of writing this book we have received new light on several somewhat significant scriptural topics that are worth sharing.
And there are also many other things which Jesus did, the which, if they should be written every one, I suppose that even the world itself could not contain the books that should be written. Amen. John 21:25
The impetus for this book was birthed in seed form by the Holy Spirit during the course of some meetings in October of 2002. The Lord laid a burden on our hearts when, during the last of a series of meetings, we counted about 20 or 21 women and only two or three men who attended that meeting. Brethren, these things ought NOT to be so!
The original intent of this book was to share some thoughts concerning the fourth chapter of the gospel of John, when Jesus met the Samaritan woman at the well. However, over a space of a few months this book evolved into something much more than we had originally intended. A Pentecostal pastor, whom I have never met, called me one day in April of 2003, quite unexpectedly, and asked me if I had written a book that would be the counterpart of our first book, “The Love of a Man for His Wife,” which is primarily, but not exclusively, for men. We took that word as confirmation that we should continue and complete this book in its expanded, and current version.
What we present in this book is based on both Scriptural principles as well as our forty-six years of marriage to each other. This word simply represents that which we have received from the Lord on the enclosed topics as of this point in time. Our sincere desire is that this word will be a blessing to all who read it. We all learn through personal experience. Hopefully, we can also learn through the experiences of others.
Chapter 1 lays the foundation for what follows by discussing the order that God has designed into everything and everyone. Chapter 2 focuses on the marriage relationship of a man and his wife from God’s perspective. Chapter 3 is primarily for the wife and includes some received wisdom, understanding, and revelation given to Linda concerning what a woman (wife) should do to help insure that her husband will come into that place of spiritual maturity that the Lord desires. Chapter 4 is primarily for the husband and includes Bob’s personal testimony. Chapter 5 then discusses some aspects of the soul that are relevant to a marriage. Chapter 6 addresses the mystery of the oneness of husband and wife. Chapter 7 of this book presents a final exhortation to “come and see” the joys of marriage between a husband and wife.
We have a very strong conviction that there is NOTHING in the Bible that is “off-limits” for believers to talk about. We make NO pretense that we understand everything in the Bible perfectly! We WELCOME your insights and we are open to the truth that YOU have received. We certainly hope and believe that we are very open to any new and higher revelation from the Holy Spirit.
There are several overriding considerations if we want to rightly divide the word of God. We strongly believe that the word of God is TIMELESS and independent of any time, culture, or personal experience. Man’s INTERPRETATION of the word of God, however, seems, at times, to be DEPENDENT upon time, culture, and experience. That reflects a lack of maturity.
For now we see through a glass darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known. 1 Corinthians 13:12
May we also suggest that the EXCEPTION never establishes the RULE. Nor does the exception do away with God’s rule. We (you and I) should teach only that which God reveals in His word. That is NOT being legalistic! It is our obedience to the word of God that causes the POWER of God to be released in our midst. Further, we should never reduce God’s standards down to our experiences, although it is very difficult for anyone to delete his/her experiences out of his/her head. However, God can do ANYTHING He wants to do. He suspended His own NATURAL rules of order when He turned back the shadow (the sun) ten degrees in the time of Hezekiah. We believe that God also can suspend His own SPIRITUAL rules of order at times, if it pleases Him or if He has a higher purpose in mind. We, as believers, do NOT have that same luxury of liberality.
In addition, for any teaching to be on safe ground, we MUST be able to incorporate ALL of scripture into our understanding of any Biblical principle, teaching, or doctrine. We can NOT use scriptures as a cafeteria line, picking out those verses that we like and which “fit” our doctrine and simply ignoring others. Anyone who cannot incorporate ALL of scripture into their doctrine needs to go back and re-examine their doctrine and ask the Holy Spirit to shed more of His light. Next, NO MAN has perfect understanding of all of scripture. Few would argue with that statement in theory, but in reality, most of us act as if we DO have perfect understanding.
With those preliminary statements, let us proceed with our journey of love through many scriptures pertaining to Christian marriage. Let God bring forth love in your marriage in His way. Be ready to receive it when it comes in your “Journey of Love.”
Chapter 1: God Has An Order In All Things
Out of chaos, God brings forth His order.Out of order, God brings forth His harmony.(Prophecy which came forth in 1977 in a gathering of believers in North Carolina)
Please note that God’s order existed BEFORE He created man and BEFORE He created the heaven and the earth. In fact, His order prevailed TWICE. Before the creation of the material universe, God ruled in the spiritual realm and His order and harmony prevailed. This was followed by: “In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth” (Genesis 1:1). Then Lucifer, the shining one, rebelled against God and fell from grace. This caused the earth to become (not “was”) without form and void (Genesis 1:2). A better translation is that the earth became a wreck and a ruin ... chaos reigned. God NEVER creates ANYTHING that is a wreck and a ruin. The Lord did not create the earth a wreck (“in vain,” Isaiah 45:18). But God re-established His order, as recorded in Genesis 1:3 and verses which follow. This was followed in Genesis 3 by the fall of man, which resulted in the ground being cursed, with thorns and thistles rather than the fruit of the trees of the garden (a second time of chaos and a time which now characterizes the affairs of men on earth). The third and last age of the order and harmony of God prevailing was initiated by the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ and will be consummated by His second coming to earth.
For the Lord Himself shall descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel, and with the trump of God: and the dead in Christ shall rise first. 1 Thessalonians 4:16
Donald Grey Barnhouse, in his book, “Genesis” (Zondervan Publishing, 1970), puts it this way:
The earth has always been a mirror of its inhabitants [italics added for emphasis]. When Lucifer was an unsinning cherub, the earth was perfect. When he fell, it became a wreck and a ruin. When Adam was created innocent, the world was a garden of Eden. When he fell, God cursed the ground for man’s sake, and it became the mirror of fallen Adam.
God is very orderly and He has an order in all things, including marriage. There is an order in the natural realm. All of the planets in our solar system, our moon, and the sun are set in a very orderly manner. A fruit tree will blossom, bud, and bring forth fruit, in that order. We must sow before we reap.
For the earth bringeth forth fruit of herself: first the blade, then the ear, after that the full corn in the ear. Mark 4:28
There is only One who keeps the world in order ... and that is God. He is the One who causes all things to happen in their seasons and gives everything and everyone a purpose. All that is done is controlled by His providential and sovereign hand. All of the events of history have been fitted into God’s timetable. It is by His power that all things exist and consist and are held together.
To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven: Ecclesiastes 3:1
If we can agree that God has an order in all things, then we need to understand and agree with His order. In order to agree with His order we must make certain decisions. We all make choices or decisions every day. Some of these choices are inconsequential, such as what should I eat for breakfast today (if anything) or what clothes I should wear. Other choices we must make are not nearly so trivial, such as which woman, if any, should I marry or what job should I accept. These types of decisions make it imperative that we ask the Lord what is His will for us. Jesus said,
O my Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me: nevertheless not as I will, but as thou wilt. Matthew 26:39
If Jesus Himself earnestly prayed for His Father's will to be done in His life, can we do anything less? In order for a wife to be submissive to her husband, she must make a decision. In order for a man to love his wife as Christ loves the Church, he must make a decision. Those decisions must be whether or not to agree with the order of God. When we agree with the order of God and put that agreement into action, we see the harmony of God come forth.
When we read the first chapter of Genesis, we see that God created certain things on certain days, in an ORDER that was pleasing to Him. Scripture speaks of the firstborn, the first begotten, and the first fruits. In EACH of these three cases, that which is first in the spiritual realm is Jesus!
For whom He did foreknow, He also did predestinate to be conformed to the image of His Son, that He might be the firstborn among many brethren. Romans 8:29And He is the head of the body, the church: who is the beginning, the firstborn from the dead; that in all things He might have the preeminence. Colossians 1:18And again, when He bringeth in the first begotten into the world, He saith, And let all the angels of God worship Him. Hebrews 1:620 But now is Christ risen from the dead, and become the firstfruits of them that slept.23 But every man in his own order: Christ the firstfruits; afterward they that are Christ’s at His coming. 1 Corinthians 15:20, 23
There is also a clear scriptural implication that God's order and will are for a woman to marry and have children. Paul said, in 1 Timothy 5:5, "I will therefore that the younger women marry, bear children, guide the house, ..." The world today belittles women who are just mothers and keepers of the home. Well I believe that such belittling is 100% contrary to God's order and will. I can think of NO nobler "career" for a young woman than to marry, be a good, faithful wife, and bring up children and guide the house in the ways of the Lord. There is NO NOBLER CAREER for a woman than that! WHY is it the most noble career for a woman? Because it is in accord with the will and order of God. His will and order even works for non-Christians!
One time of great apostasy (of many) in Israel is recorded in Judges 4 and 5.
And Deborah, a prophetess, the wife of Lapidoth, she judged Israel at that time. Judges 4:4
Historically, between the time when Joshua led the people into the promised land and the time of the first king, Saul, there were twelve (12) judges who were used by God to deliver the Israelites from their oppressors. (Scripture also states that both Eli and Samuel judged Israel but they are not normally looked upon as being judges.) With each of the twelve judges there was a recurring pattern characterized by apostasy, oppression, cries of distress, and gracious Divine deliverance through a judge. Of the twelve judges only ONE was a woman, Deborah. A judge was certainly a leader and could be called a ruler. The important point is NOT that there were eleven male judges and one female judge, although that may be worth stating for the implication it carries. The important point is also NOT the fact that here was an exception, for whatever reason, where the Lord allowed a woman to be in such a position. Furthermore, this event does NOT mean that a woman can do or be or say anything that a man can do or be or say. NO ONE can do or be or say anything of lasting value except it be given from God.
The important point can be seen by considering the specific enemy nations from which the respective judges delivered the Israelites. Deborah and Jael, another woman, were used by the Lord to deliver Israel from the Canaanites. Except for the Canaanites, all of the enemies from which the other eleven judges delivered Israel came from OUTSIDE the territory she occupied! What an amazing God we serve! The Lord has built into these twelve judges an enduring principle and order. The men take care of the EXTERNAL enemies to the family; the women (wives) take care of the INTERNAL enemies to the family, just as Rachel and Leah were used to build the house of Israel (Ruth 4:11). It is worth noting that Deborah and Jael delivered Israel from Jabin, king of Canaan. Jabin means intelligence. The intellect and reasoning of carnal man were defeated by two women. What a high calling the woman has!
Chapter 2: Marriage From God’s Perspective
By far the most important aspects of a good marriage are spiritual in nature. Without the proper foundation of the Lord Jesus Christ as the center of the marriage and family and His Word as the guidelines for our life, no marriage will really succeed. We need to look at everything, including marriage, from God’s perspective. Let us consider the seven P’s of marriage. Marriage is planned, pure, perfect, personal, permanent, prophetic, and progressive.
Marriage is a divinely planned relationship, the first institution ordained by God. Marriage was instituted by God (Genesis 2:21-25) and honored by our Lord Jesus Christ at the wedding in Cana of Galilee (John 2:1-11). We would do well to stop and think WHY God ordained marriage. In the final analysis, God designed everything for His own glory. Even the heavens declare the glory of God (Psalm 19:1). Our primary purpose in marriage, as in everything else, is to glorify God. That is His plan.
19 What? Know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost which is in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own?20 For ye are bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body, and in your spirit, which are God’s. 1 Corinthians 6:19-20Whether therefore ye eat, or drink, or whatsoever ye do, do all to the glory of God. 1 Corinthians 10:31
The “whatsoever” in the above verse INCLUDES MARRIAGE!
How do we glorify the Lord in our marriage? by being obedient to Him in all that He says to us; by allowing the Holy Spirit to mold us into those vessels that the Lord has designed for us to become. That implies that we must KNOW what the Lord is after in our marriage! That, in turn, requires a sensitivity on our part, ears to hear that which He speaks to us. There is an anointing to speak and there is an anointing to do, but the greatest, most important anointing is to BE or become that which the Lord desires for us ... Christ in you the hope of glory (Colossians 1:27). The Lord can get rocks to cry out and He can make a jackass to speak, but He will NOT force any of us to become what He wants us to become. That takes a personal decision on our part ... a determination to cooperate with the Holy Spirit in every day to day event that arises.
The Lord wants married couples to be “preachers of righteousness” just as was Noah (2 Peter 2:5). The only thing recorded in scripture that Noah spoke was when he prophesied over his sons. Noah was a preacher of righteousness because of his obedience to the Lord. Non-believers today are turned off by those who “preach” to them with words. What the world is looking for is your genuine love and your example of living a holy life. “Actions speak louder than words” is still a very true statement! Jesus said,
For I have given you an example, that ye should do as I have done to you.
John 13:15
Likewise, Paul told Timothy,
Be thou an example of the believers, in word, in conversation [or behavior], in charity [or love], in spirit, in faith, in purity. 1 Timothy 4:12
Marriage is a pure relationship, which means unadulterated. Man and woman were made one for the other. Absolute loyalty sanctifies their relationship. Impurity comes only by the intrusion of a third party. Again, it is NOT a coincidence that the first of the ten commandments is: “Thou shalt have none other gods before Me” (Deuteronomy 5:7). One of the biggest sins of Israel, as recorded in the Old Testament, is that the people mixed themselves with other nations, even though the Lord clearly warned them not to do so. That was also the downfall of Solomon.
Keep thyself pure. 1 Timothy 5:22
Marriage was also ordained by God to be a perfect relationship. “As for God, His way is perfect” (2 Samuel 22:31). It is only our human imperfections that make marriage something less than perfect. From the human perspective, no marriage is perfect just as no individual Christian is perfect. Unless you are a “super-hero,” after the honeymoon period is over you will begin to discover little faults in your spouse that you never knew were there. These “little foxes” may cause some irritation and frustration in your soul for a time period, the length of which will depend upon your way of handling them. When these “little foxes” emerge, it is tempting for your soul to lash out at your spouse. Those will be the opportunities for you to overcome, by the grace of God. Instead of lashing out at your spouse, those will be times that you need to pray, pray, pray, and ask the Lord for His guidance, wisdom, and peace. But although the road may be a little bumpy at times, the joys of a successful marriage are too numerous to mention. The marriage between a husband and wife is indeed “A Journey of Love,” just as is the marriage between the Lord Jesus Christ and His Bride. A marriage between a woman and a man should be BEAUTIFUL.
Marriage is a personal relationship. It constitutes the most personal of all relationships of life. It involves just two people, a man and a woman, who agree to become one in sharing every area of their lives. The closest, most intimate of all human relationships is that which exists between husband and wife. Based upon mutual love and understanding, there is a blending and welding of the two into one. Our personal relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ is CRITICAL! After that, the relationship of a man and his wife is the next most vital relationship we can have. Marriage is a union of two persons which sanctifies and guarantees certain intimate personal relationships which belong only to them. Each one belongs to the other, solely and completely. It is this “belonging” which constitutes marriage. In the words of Jesus,
7 For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife;8 And they twain shall be one flesh: so then they are no more twain, but one flesh.9 What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder. Mark 10:7-9
Love and loyalty maintain that relationship upon a high plane. Sin and selfishness destroy it. To give to others the high and holy privileges which should be reserved only for the marriage partner is to take away the very meaning of the relationship.
Marriage is also a permanent relationship. “I will betroth thee unto me forever” (Hosea 2:19). Sin, and sin alone, breaks and destroys its permanence. In God’s original purpose only physical death was to sever its ties. God’s Word clearly teaches that adultery is the only scriptural ground for divorce (Matthew 5:31-32). No other sin, shortcoming, or human weakness is to be considered sufficient cause for severing the marriage bond. Why is adultery considered the greatest sin against marriage? Because it is a betrayal of all that marriage stands for.
16 What? Know ye not that he which is joined to a harlot is one body?18 Flee fornication. Every sin that a man doeth is without the body; but he that committeth fornication sinneth against his own body. 1 Corinthians 6:16, 18Neither be partakers of other men’s sins. 1 Timothy 5:22
He who is joined to another, except for his own wife, partakes of all of the sins of the adulteress as well as all of the sins of every person the adulteress has ever been joined to. Under the law, “the adulterer and the adulteress shall surely be put to death” (Leviticus 20:10). Within the disease of AIDS, it is “interesting” that, after much research, scientists have proved that the adulterous victim is partaking of not only the pollution of the present union, but also of that of every illicit union of that person with others in the past. The AIDS epidemic is the judgment of a gracious, merciful, loving God who will never tolerate sin, but longs to bring the adulterer and adulteress to a place of true repentance.
The marriage between a man and a woman is also prophetic ... a type of the marriage between the Lord Jesus Christ and His bride (Ephesians 5:23-25, 32; Revelation 22:17). The Lord chose the sacred bonds of marriage to describe His relationship to His own people. The book of Hosea is perhaps the preeminent book in the Bible about the grace, mercy, and love of God. Hosea uses three figures by which to emphasize the relation of Jehovah to His people: that of husband and wife (Hosea 2:16); that of father and son (Hosea 11:1); and that of king and subjects (Hosea 13:10). It is NOT a coincidence that the relation of husband and wife comes first. The Bible teaches that the marriage tie which binds the husband and wife is as sacred and intimate as the tie which binds the people of God to Himself.
For thy Maker is thine husband; the Lord of hosts is His name; and the Redeemer the Holy One of Israel; The God of the whole earth shall He be called. Isaiah 54:5
Without the institution of marriage, civilization as we know it could not exist, and an orderly and honorable society would be impossible. Marriage is basic to a decent and stable way of life. Marriage is NOT something to be entered into lightly.
14 Yet ye say, Wherefore? Because the Lord hath been witness between thee and the wife of thy youth, against whom thou hast dealt treacherously: yet is she thy companion, and the wife of thy covenant.15 And did He not make one? Yet had He the residue of the spirit. And wherefore one? That He might seek a Godly seed. Therefore take heed to your spirit, and let none deal treacherously against the wife of his youth.16 For the Lord, the God of Israel, saith that He hateth putting away: for one covereth violence with his garment, saith the Lord of hosts: therefore take heed to your spirit, that ye deal not treacherously. Malachi 2:14-16
Marriage is a covenant (Verse 14) between a man and a woman and is intended to be a life-long journey of a man and a woman. Verse 15 speaks of the oneness that God has designed for husband and wife. We will have much more to say about this oneness in Chapter 6.
4 When thou vowest a vow unto God, defer not to pay it; for He hath no pleasure in fools: pay that which thou hast vowed.5 Better is it that thou shouldest not vow, than thou shouldest vow and not pay. Ecclesiastes 5:4-5The wife is bound by the law as long as her husband liveth; but if her husband be dead, she is at liberty to be married to whom she will; only in the Lord. 1 Corinthians 7:39
Marriage is not merely a ceremony but a continuing relationship. Marriage is progressive ... a work in progress. So is our walk as a believer. So is this book, which is for both those Christians who may have been married for many years and for those who are about to enter into marriage for the first time. A major flaw I have seen in the majority of churches is the tendency to search the scriptures in order to come up with the fixed, static pattern of things relating to the Lord. The ONLY static pattern is the Lord Himself. He changes not! The revelation of God’s word to us is progressive and dynamic! The Word of God never changes, but our understanding of the Word changes as the Holy Spirit sheds more light on the Scriptures. “For we know in part and we prophesy in part” (1 Corinthians 13:9). Church government is dynamic! “Of the increase of His government and peace there shall be no end” (Isaiah 9:7). The walk of the believer is NOT static ... it should be dynamic!
But we all, with open face beholding as in a glass the glory of the Lord, are changed into the same image from glory to glory, even as by the Spirit of the Lord. 2 Corinthians 3:18
Chapter 3: Marriage Principles For the Wife
Let the wife make the husband glad to come home and let him make her sorry to see him leave.- Martin Luther
Is there a scriptural order for women? OF COURSE! Let us hasten to add that there is ALSO a scriptural order for men! We just discussed a few things in Chapter 1 which states that there is a scriptural order for EVERY THING and EVERY ONE! That order is stated in Verse 3, below.
3 But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God.4 Every man praying or prophesying, having his head covered, dishonoureth his head.5 But every woman that prayeth or prophesieth with her head uncovered dishonoureth her head: for that is even all one as if she were shaven.6 For if the woman be not covered, let her also be shorn: but if it be a shame for a woman to be shorn or shaven, let her be covered.7 For a man indeed ought not to cover his head, forasmuch as he is the image and glory of God: but the woman is the glory of the man.8 For the man is not of the woman; but the woman of the man.9 Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man.10 For this cause ought the woman to have power on her head because of the angels.11 Nevertheless neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord.12 For as the woman is of the man, even so is the man by the woman; but all things of God. 1 Corinthians 11:3-12
Let us look at 1 Corinthians 11:12. We know, of course, that God took a rib from Adam and made woman and brought her to Adam. So the woman is OF the man. God made Eve to be a help meet for Adam. But the man is also BY the woman (NOT OF the woman). God intended that the woman should bring forth the man spiritually. How? By her intercession and her behavior ... by the hidden man of the heart. The man "gets the spotlight" ... the man is out in the workplace. The man gets the applause of men. The woman receives little credit for being "just a mother and keeper of the home" and being out of the limelight. But it is the woman who builds the house. The woman gets the applause of God, provided that she walks in the word of God with a clean heart. The greatest ministry a wife can have is to help to bring her husband forth SPIRITUALLY by her intercession and her behavior, NOT by her words! In turn, he brings her forth. In like manner,
1 And there appeared a great wonder in heaven; a woman clothed with the sun, and the moon under her feet, and upon her head a crown of twelve stars:2 And she being with child cried, travailing in birth, and pained to be delivered.3 And there appeared another wonder in heaven: and behold a great red dragon, having seven heads and ten horns, and seven crowns upon his heads.4 And his tail drew the third part of the stars of heaven, and did cast them to the earth: and the dragon stood before the woman which was ready to be delivered, for to devour her child as soon as it was born.5 And she brought forth a man child, who was to rule all nations with a rod of iron: and her child was caught up unto God, and to His throne.6 And the woman fled into the wilderness, where she hath a place prepared of God, that they should feed her there a thousand two hundred and threescore days. Revelation 12:1-6
The woman represents spiritual Israel, the true Church. The man child represents the manifestation of the sons of God. So here we see the same principle as in 1 Corinthians 11 ... the woman brings forth the man and then the man ministers to the woman to bring her forth. The relationship of husband and wife is a microcosm of the man child and the Church.
When Eve partook of the fruit of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, she then gave to Adam to eat and he also ate. At that point she became the provider for the family and in the process she interrupted God’s order. Yes, the Lord only spoke about this order after the fall, in Genesis 3:16. But God always had His order in mind from before the foundation of the world. How can you have a right relationship when you reverse the functional order that has been ordained by God? How can you have a right relationship when you assume the wrong role within the family and within the Church?
In The Beginning
If we want to "rightly divide the word of truth," a solid "first principle" is to go back into scripture and see where God first talks about a particular topic. The book of Genesis contains MANY such "first principles." In the beginning, God! Let us look at the Genesis account of the relationship of a wife to her husband.
Six times in creation (Genesis 1:4, 10, 12, 18, 21, and 25) we read that “God saw that it was good.” Then,
And God saw every thing that He had made, and behold it was very good.
Genesis 1:31
But in Genesis 2:18, for the very first time in history there is a reversal.
And the Lord God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a help meet for him. Genesis 2:18
It is clear from both Genesis 2:18 and from the verses in 1 Timothy 5:14 that marriage is ordained by God. For what purpose? to be fruitful and multiply? yes, but there is more. We need to remember that before the fall it WAS the will of God that Adam and Eve partake of the tree of life, but they never did so. The Bible does not tell us whether they ever repented after the fall.
We also know that Jesus said,
34 And Jesus answering said unto them, The children of this world marry, and are given in marriage:35 But they which shall be accounted worthy to obtain that world, and the resurrection from the dead, neither marry, nor are given in marriage. Luke 20:34-35
“The children of this world” in Verse 34 should NOT be interpreted as “non-Christians.” “This world” should more accurately be translated “this AGE” or “dispensation” which now is, on earth. “That world” refers to the dispensation which is to come, the age to which resurrection is the door of entrance. Marriage is, therefore, for this dispensation in which we now live and for earth, but not heaven.
God created the home to be the perfect, threefold triangle ... the man, the woman, and the Lord. As long as the Lord is included in the triangle, the home is secure. Home life was designed to be centered on the Lord, as each spouse encourages and prays for the other.
9 Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labour.10 For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe to him that is alone when he falleth; for he hath not another to help him up.11 Again, if two lie together, then they have heat: but how can one be warm alone?12 And if one prevail against him, two shall withstand him; and a threefold cord is not quickly broken. Ecclesiastes 4:9-12
20 And Adam gave names to all cattle, and to the fowl of the air, and to every beast of the field; but for Adam there was not found a help meet for him.21 And the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept: and He took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof;22 And the rib, which the Lord God had taken from man, made He a woman, and brought her to the man.23 And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.24 Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh. Genesis 2:20-24
Note that Verse 20 says “help meet.” It does NOT say “helpmeet.” There is a difference. The Hebrew for “help meet” conveys the idea of a helper as before him, even as your face in the mirror is before you. The woman was meant to be a helper suited to man’s needs. The literal meaning of “counterpart” expresses the idea. In the seventeenth century, two words were put together through ignorance to form helpmeet. This inaccurate meaning became widespread in the nineteenth century. The true idea of the woman is that she should be man’s complement, to fill up that which is lacking in him. The woman should answer in every part to the need of the man, if she is to be a help fitting to his life. The woman is to help the one man (Adam and Eve) to be complete in Christ.
Please take special note of Verse 22. God brought Eve to Adam; He did not hide her and make Adam beat the bushes to find her.
In Genesis 3 we read about the fall of man (Adam and Eve). We read in Genesis 3:1 that the serpent was more subtle than any beast of the field which the Lord God had made. Eve saw that the tree was (1) good for food, and that it was (2) pleasant to the eyes, and (3) a tree to be desired to make one wise. So Eve partook of the forbidden tree without EVER talking with Adam about it! That was her big mistake. She got out of the order of God by making a unilateral decision.
Let us look at the result of Adam and Eve's disobedience (fall). The Lord told Eve:
Let us look at the result of Adam and Eve's disobedience (fall). The Lord told Eve:
16 I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.17 And unto Adam He said, Because thou hast hearkened unto the voice of thy wife, and hast eaten of the tree, of which I commanded thee, saying, Thou shalt not eat of it: cursed is the ground for thy sake; in sorrow shalt thou eat of it all the days of thy life;18 Thorns also and thistles shall it bring forth to thee; and thou shalt eat the herb of the field;19 In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread, till thou return unto the ground; for out of it wast thou taken: for dust thou art, and unto dust shalt thou return.
Genesis 3:16-19
From Genesis 3:16, BEFORE the fall, it apparently was God’s intention that a woman have very little, if any, sorrow when bringing forth children. Perhaps the original intention was for Adam and Eve to have creative power in this area. We will not speculate on that idea. However, note that the word says “ thy sorrow and thy conception,” NOT “thy sorrow IN thy conception.” That seems to imply that the Lord multiplied the LENGTH of time from conception to birth from some time period to its current nine months. That increases the time period of uncomfortableness, morning sickness, and carrying around the extra weight of the baby. The apostle John says,
A woman when she is in travail hath sorrow, because her hour is come: but as soon as she is delivered of the child, she remembereth no more the anguish, for joy that a man is born into the world. John 16:21
As a parallel, the same pattern of travail exists as a woman, in her help meet ministry, intercedes for her husband to come forth spiritually, as in a birth, into a place of maturity in the Lord. When he DOES come forth, great joy erases whatever anguish she endured.
Thy desire shall be to thy husband: It is inherent or God-given in the nature of a woman to have only one great love in her life ... her husband. If the wife is willing to live in the realm of clinging only to her husband, God will bless her abundantly. Of course the same is true for the husband. Many marriages in the world, particularly in Asia and Africa, are made for women by their parents, and their love is expected to develop after marriage. It is an interesting and debatable question whether or not the “freedom” of women in the western world is responsible for the evil of divorce and much of the breakdown of home life. However, there is a greater meaning in that verse, which should be translated as, “Thy desire shall be subject to thy husband.” That is a very powerful statement concerning which we will have much more to say later.
He [thy husband] shall rule over thee: When a man marries, he does NOT obtain a servant or a doormat but a companion in Christ. In many parts of Africa, the middle East, and India, women are treated as little more than objects to be owned, traded to others, etc. This is clearly NOT the scriptural view of women! In the heathen world the wife is commonly a servant; in the nominal Christian world outside of Christ the wife is frequently a rebel; only in the realm that is in Christ can the true relationship of the home be established. The husband has a high responsibility. He is the high priest of the home and is responsible for family worship and the spiritual tone of his house. God will hold every man accountable for this God-given privilege. We believe that no woman will ever have any difficulty being in submission to a man who is willing to be crucified for her.
This “judgment,” rather than being something harsh, represents the grace and mercy of God toward women. If a wife cannot submit to her husband whom she HAS seen, how can she submit to the Lord Whom she has NOT seen? For the true Church, spiritual Israel, we do well to consider Who the true Ruler is. The name Israel means God rules or God orders or God commands. Gideon saw the true Ruler.
22 Then the men of Israel said unto Gideon, Rule thou over us, both thou, and thy son, and thy son’s son also: for thou hast delivered us from the hand of Midian.23 And Gideon said unto them, I will not rule over you, neither shall my son rule over you: the Lord shall rule over you. Judges 8:22-23
Please note that in Genesis 3:17, the judgment of God came upon Adam because he hearkened unto the voice of his wife, rather than the Lord. The Lord MUST be our first priority!
Jesus Meets The Samaritan Woman
1 When therefore the Lord knew how the Pharisees had heard that Jesus made and baptized more disciples than John,2 (Though Jesus Himself baptized not, but His disciples,)3 He left Judea, and departed again into Galilee.4 And He must needs go through Samaria.5 Then cometh He to a city of Samaria, which is called Sychar, near to the parcel of ground that Jacob gave to his son Joseph.6 Now Jacob’s well was there. Jesus therefore, being wearied with His journey, sat thus on the well: and it was about the sixth hour.7 There cometh a woman of Samaria to draw water: Jesus saith unto her, Give Me to drink.8 (For His disciples were gone away unto the city to buy meat.)9 Then saith the woman of Samaria unto Him, How is it that Thou, being a Jew, askest drink of me, which am a woman of Samaria? for the Jews have no dealings with the Samaritans.10 Jesus answered and said unto her, If thou knewest the gift of God, and Who it is that saith to thee, Give Me to drink; thou wouldest have asked of Him, and He would have given thee living water.11 The woman saith unto Him, Sir, Thou hast nothing to draw water with, and the well is deep: from whence then hast Thou that living water?12 Art Thou greater than our father Jacob, which gave us the well, and drank thereof himself, and his children, and his cattle?13 Jesus answered and said unto her, Whosoever drinketh of this water shall thirst again:14 But whosoever drinketh of the water that I shall give him shall never thirst; but the water that I shall give him shall be in him a well of water springing up into everlasting life.15 The woman saith unto Him, Sir, give me this water, that I thirst not, neither come hither to draw.16 Jesus saith unto her, Go, call thy husband, and come hither. John 4:1-16
The above account of the meeting between Jesus and the Samaritan woman at Jacob’s well is one of the most remarkable, amazing events recorded in all of scripture! Why? First of all, there were probably very few other women, if any, in Sychar who had had five husbands and were living with another man who was not her husband. It just “happened” that Samaria had been infiltrated with men from five foreign, heathen areas. Then, it was not normal that the woman would have walked one half of a mile to get water, particularly at noon. Further, why would Jesus have stopped at that particular well, rather than go on into the village with His disciples? It is really AMAZING how the Lord sovereignly arranges for ALL things to work together for our good!
Theologians probably argue as to whether this was a real event or just an allegory. In reality BOTH are true. In addition, this event not only sets forth some solid guidelines for women for today but it is prophetic in MANY ways of current, end-time events. Chapter 4 of the Gospel of John contains much hidden wisdom and knowledge, which can only be revealed to us by the Holy Spirit.
There are at least three levels of meaning to these verses. The first is a purely natural-level meaning, which we can see from a superficial examination of scripture and from some understanding of the history of Samaria. Second, and more importantly, there is a great spiritual significance to these verses which applies to wives. Third, there is a tremendous spiritual significance for the body of Christ, the Church.
Natural (?) Level Significance
We hesitate to say “natural level significance.” What is natural about God and His word? Perhaps we should say, “a first level of spiritual significance.” Nevertheless ... Note, in John 4:6, that Jesus sat on the well about the sixth hour (noon). This was during the heat of the day. Women normally drew water near the end of the day rather than in the heat of midday.
And he [the servant of Abraham] made his camels to kneel down without the city by a well of water at the time of the evening, even the time that women go out to draw water. Genesis 24:11
WHY was it the custom for women, not men, to draw water from wells? A waterpot full of water is rather heavy. Although man started that custom, it was nevertheless sovereignly ordained by God to be yet another example of the role given to women to draw out SPIRITUAL water for the family!
In addition, normally the woman would never have been at the well at the sixth hour. Therefore, the event described in John 4:1-16 was a Divine appointment. Jesus did not sit on the well (Verse 6) hoping that a woman would come along to give Him a drink of water. He KNEW that a particular woman would be there ... by Divine appointment! These verses demonstrate the amazing sovereignty of God. EVERY step we take is known by our God! Every event that we encounter has been orchestrated by our God for our good and for His glory! NOTHING JUST HAPPENS!!! In like manner, the marriage of a man and a woman, assuming they are led of the Spirit, is a Divine appointment.
The steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord: and he delighteth in His way. Psalm 37:23
Let us note that there was a spiritual hunger within the woman, as reflected by Verse 15. As we will see later, women are, in general, more sensitive to the things of the Spirit. Women, in general, desire more of the Lord and His word than do men. This is true at every spiritual level. Jesus, by talking with the woman, fanned the flames of her hunger, but He did so with a word of caution to which women should take heed. Jesus said, “Go, call your husband.”
The woman in John 4 was hungry and thirsty for the truth. She had had many disappointments, many heartaches in her life. She longed for fulfillment in her life; she had found none so far. She had heard conflicting accounts about worship but she was ignorant as to how and where worship should take place. She, and the Samaritans, worshiped in ignorance. They did not even know what, or who, they worshiped (John 4:22). They were going through a form ... a tradition ... and it had no meaning ... no fulfillment for the woman.
A great spiritual principle is seen in this event. We have previously stated that the woman had a great spiritual hunger. She had been married to five different men and was living with a sixth, but none of these relationships satisfied her. Satisfaction comes ONLY from the living water that Jesus supplies. Perhaps the most fundamental truth in John 4 is that in the human heart there is a thirst for something that only the Lord Jesus Christ can satisfy. That something is not a “thing” at all ... it is a Person! David said,
As for me, I will behold Thy face in righteousness: I shall be satisfied, when I awake, with Thy likeness. Psalm 17:15
The events in John 4 are a continuation of the teaching from the wedding in Cana of Galilee. At Cana, the marriage was off to a good start when the hand of Jesus turned the water into wine. This is symbolic of the new birth. But Jesus teaches us in John 4 that we can never find the true Treasure as long as we have other gods or idols in our life. If a wife wants to find the true spiritual joy in the Holy Ghost, she must lay aside her natural waterpot (her natural seeking, by herself, for the things ordained by the Lord), and “Go, call your husband.”
The Spiritual Significance For Wives
Women Are More Sensitive To The Spiritual Realm
Now the serpent was more subtil than any beast of the field which the Lord God had made. And he said unto the woman, Yea, hath God said, Ye shall not eat of every tree of the garden? Genesis 3:1
It is NOT by chance that the serpent came to tempt Eve, rather than Adam. Women, by nature, are more sensitive to the spiritual realm than are men. The first woman, Eve, was taken out of man, from his INNERMOST being. Women, in general, are more sensitive to the things of the Lord, but they are also more sensitive to things of wrong spirits. Eve’s great sin was NOT that she was deceived, but that she unilaterally acted on that deception ... she never bothered to, “Go, call your husband.” She saw that which she judged to be good for food, pleasant to the eyes, and a tree to make one wise, but she lacked the spiritual discernment that would have been available through Adam, her husband.
Women, in general, have a hunger and thirst for the Lord and His word, frequently outnumber men in Christian gatherings, and are more keenly aware of the reality of the following verses.
I will give unto him that is athirst of the fountain of the water of life freely. Revelation 21:6Therefore with joy shall ye draw water out of the wells of salvation. Isaiah 12:3My soul thirsteth for God, for the living God. Psalm 42:213 And on the sabbath we went out of the city [Philippi] by a river side, where prayer was wont to be made; and we sat down, and spake unto the women which resorted thither.14 And a certain woman named Lydia, a seller of purple, of the city of Thyatira, which worshipped God, heard us: whose heart the Lord opened, that she attended unto the things which were spoken of Paul.15 And when she was baptized, and her household, she besought us, saying, If ye have judged me to be faithful to the Lord, come into my house, and abide there. And she constrained us. Acts 16:13-15
Note that Paul, Silas, and Timothy spoke unto the women by the river side in Philippi. There were no men! The women had assembled to pray, but there were no men! This is typical of today at the beginning of a new work. Please also note that after Lydia heard Paul, the Lord opened her heart. Lydia was thirsty for God! She undoubtedly knew what Isaiah had prophesied,
For I will pour water upon him that is thirsty, and floods upon the dry ground.
Isaiah 44:3
But she went back and told her household, who believed what Lydia told them, and they ALL were baptized.
It was NOT just culture for women (not men) to take their waterpots to wells to fill them with natural water. Our God is AMAZING! He is the Master Architect ... the Master Director of all things. The natural event of a woman going for water is a type of women who are more sensitive to the spiritual realm of seeking spiritual water!
Another good example of the sensitivity of women to the things of the Spirit is what happened at the resurrection of Jesus. The WOMEN first went into the sepulchre of the risen Lord. They had bought sweet spices that they might come and anoint Him. It was Mary Magdalene who came, first, early on the first day of the week to the sepulchre and saw the stone rolled away. That same Mary was the first to see the risen Christ (John 20:13-18).
A final example (although there are others) of the sensitivity of women to the things of the Spirit is recorded in 1 Samuel, just after David slew Goliath.
6 And it came to pass as they came, when David was returned from the slaughter of the Philistine, that the women came out of all cities of Israel, singing and dancing, to meet King Saul, with tabrets, with joy, and with instruments of musick.7 And the women answered one another as they played, and said, Saul hath slain his thousands, And David his ten thousands. 1 Samuel 18:6-7
The women came out to rejoice over David’s victory. Where were the men?
In Matthew 24, Jesus speaks of the end times ... the last days. We need to remember that this Chapter, like all of scripture, is speaking to Christians TODAY! The word of God is TIMELESS and independent of any culture! Let us look at Verse 19.
An Area Of Concern For Christian Wives
In Matthew 24, Jesus speaks of the end times ... the last days. We need to remember that this Chapter, like all of scripture, is speaking to Christians TODAY! The word of God is TIMELESS and independent of any culture! Let us look at Verse 19.
And woe unto them that are with child, and to them that give suck in those days! Matthew 24:19
Have you ever noticed the exclamation point at the end of some verses in the Bible? Such punctuation marks cry out for our special notice. Undoubtedly, most Christians interpret that verse in the natural realm. We Christians are forever trying to pull down the word of God to the natural level so that we can understand with our natural minds. After all, seeking the Lord takes time, patience, and perseverance ... three qualities that few people have.
About one month after the September 11, 2001, atrocity, as my wife and I were traveling to her family reunion in North Carolina, Linda told me how grateful she was that I could hear a clear word from the Lord about the September 11 events and therefore protect and care for her spiritually. She extolled the faithfulness of the Lord and then referred to the above verse. She said that about 30 years ago the Lord had quickened that verse within her being with an unquenchable fire in terms of her ministry to me. I had always interpreted that verse in the natural realm in terms of how difficult it would be to flee with a baby or small child in the time of great tribulation. That is certainly true. But Linda said that verse, on a much deeper level, means that the Christian woman in the last days whose husband is a child or a babe SPIRITUALLY will experience great tribulation and suffering, because her husband has never matured in the Lord to be a proper covering for her, particularly during end-time events. When my wife shared that with me, I said to myself, “WOW! That is a real revelation!” When we got to Lexington, NC, I shared that word with a mature believer who was our host for the evening. He said, “WOW! That is a real revelation!” Neither of us had ever heard that meaning before.
But a Christian wife needs to be very careful, in her search for more of the Lord, that she does not “widen the spiritual gap” even MORE between herself and her husband. Most husbands, even Christian husbands, will resist inwardly your spirituality or anything that takes you away from him. That is particularly true if you go to all of the meetings and come home and tell your husband how wonderful the pastor is. That can become a very sore spot, particularly if he comes home to a dirty house, no hot meal, and no sex. He may not say anything to you openly about it because men don’t communicate well. But inwardly he may build up a level of resentment and bitterness. Those women who go to meeting after meeting, hoping to receive some fresh revelation from the Lord, need to be very careful! That is NOT what the Samaritan woman did. She did NOT go to that well hoping to meet Jesus! Jesus, by Divine appointment, met her! THERE IS A DIFFERENCE!
The same principle applies when both husband and wife attend gatherings of believers. The wife must be very careful NOT to overshadow her husband in overt activities within the gathering of the saints. This will make most men, even Christian men, feel somewhat threatened by their wife.
In addition, “Go, call your Husband” must be something more than a mechanical routine. It must be in truth. This is confirmed by the following verse.
And why call ye Me, Lord, Lord, and do not the things which I say? Luke 6:46
A Wife’s Relationship With Her Husband
Falling in love with a man is natural and easy. The marriage ceremony and the honeymoon are also natural and easy. Maintaining a good marriage is hard work! It requires a daily dying to self on the part of both husband and wife. Most Christian wives would probably say that she wished that her marriage could be better. There is always room for improvement! We have good news for the wife who wishes things could be better. It is NEVER too late to start! Whether you have been married one day or 50 years, the end of the matter is better than the beginning. If the Lord could raise Lazarus from the dead, He certainly can raise your marriage to a level that is beyond your comprehension. None of us have arrived in our marriages. But with God, ALL things are possible! With marriages, as with everything else, our focus is vital.
But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and His righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you. Matthew 6:33
In this world, divorce courts are jammed, marriage counselors work overtime, and divorce lawyers get rich on those couples who feel they can no longer stay married. The divorce rate is well over 50%, even within so-called “Christian” marriages. Today it is considered commonplace for couples to live together outside of marriage to “try things out” and make sure they are “compatible” before making it official with marriage. Let us state unequivocally ... we do NOT believe that a husband and wife can find happiness and the oneness that God intended in a marriage UNLESS Christ is the center of their home. And even that is NO GUARANTEE! It requires a daily dying to self on the part of BOTH husband and wife and an ever-increasing focus and dependence upon the Lord Jesus Christ.
A wife can “make” or “break” her husband. This is obvious when we compare Jezebel, wife of Ahab, to Ruth, wife of Boaz.
A virtuous woman is a crown to her husband: but she that maketh ashamed is as rottenness in his bones. Proverbs 12:4Every wise woman buildeth her house: but the foolish plucketh it down with her hands. Proverbs 14:1
Some of the most quoted scriptures concerning the relationship of a wife to her husband are:
22 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.23 For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the Head of the Church: and he is the saviour of the body.24 Therefore as the Church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing. Ephesians 5:22-24
You might ask, how is this possible, and what about the husband who is still an unbeliever or who is a very carnal, immature believer who exhibits very little to be respected? NO WIFE CAN SUBMIT TO HER HUSBAND IN HER OWN STRENGTH! It is IMPOSSIBLE! But ALL things are possible with God. Verses 22 and 24 above do NOT say for the wife to submit to her husband only when things are going her way or when both parties agree. If a woman could fulfill those two verses in her own strength then she would have no need for the Lord in her life.
Note that Verse 22 does NOT say, “Wives submit yourselves unto your own husbands.” The key part of that verse is “as unto the Lord.” That means that the attitude or motivation of the wife is VERY important. Undoubtedly EVERY believer would readily agree that we should submit our self to the Lord. Jesus certainly submitted Himself to the will of the Father, but He did so GLADLY, not reluctantly. Remember that submission is an attitude, an attribute of the spirit, not a series of mindless automatic acts of obedience and giving in. Husbands don’t want robots any more than the Lord does. Submission is supportive just as the legs to a table or the heavy-duty beams under a floor are supportive. A wife devotedly affirms the call of the Lord upon her husband with her prayers and behavior, and gladly defers to the Lord’s authority which rests upon him. The wife should be properly arrayed under the authority of her husband no matter where he is along the continuum of relationship to the Lord ... from unbeliever ... to mighty man of God.
One key to understanding this concept is to visualize that the husband holds a position, an office ordained by God, which is to be respected by the wife. Compare this with the office of the President of the United States. We respect not so much the man but whoever fills that position because the office IS to be respected. It doesn’t matter if his eyes are blue or brown or if he is nice or mean. Until the Lord removes the man from office, we are to respect the person because of his official position. The same is true for the husband.
Another key is for the wife to ask the Lord to reveal to her His call upon her husband. Then her words and behavior can “line up” by faith. It takes FAITH for a wife to trust the Lord even when she knows that her husband is wrong. Remember,
Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. Hebrews 11:1Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. Proverbs 3:5
You are NOT being hypocritical when you call things that are not as though they are. You are simply lining up in agreement with the living Word.
Incorporating these two keys, a wife can devotedly and sincerely respect/reverence the position of her husband and intercede on his behalf. Using the wisdom of the Lord, she can support, encourage, and praise him into the vision which the Lord has for her husband.
One final word ... in matters of decisions, a wife should feel free to share with her husband (in a right spirit) what she is hearing from the Lord. If the husband goes in an opposite direction which is obviously wrong, the wife should yield in respect to her husband’s position. The Lord will protect the family. Just remember that the wife is not passive in her relationship with her husband. She remains very active as she continues to intercede and travail.
In Ephesians 5:23, Paul says, “For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the Head of the Church, and he is the saviour of the body.” In my Bible, neither “he” nor “saviour” is capitalized. However, I am quite sure that Paul KNEW that the Church of Ephesus knew that Jesus Christ is our Saviour. We believe that Paul is drawing a further analogy between Christ and the Church as compared to a husband and his wife. Now the husband is certainly NOT the spiritual saviour of his wife. That MUST be attributed to Jesus Christ, our sacrificial Lamb, through His shed blood on Calvary, death, resurrection, and ascension. However there is a further significance in this verse in Ephesians 5:23. The husband in a very real sense becomes the protector of his wife, not only in the natural realm, but also in the spiritual realm. The Greek word translated as “saviour” in Ephesians 5:23 comes from the root word sozo, which can also be interpreted as “protect, be or make whole.”
31 And they two shall be one flesh.32 This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the Church.33 Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband. Ephesians 5:31-33
The Greek word translated above as “reverence” occurs ninety three times in the New Testament. It is always translated as “fear” or “be afraid” except in this one instance. This is the same word that speaks of the believer’s fear of the Lord, which we discuss in some depth in “Let Us Go On: Chapter 11.”
Notwithstanding she shall be saved in childbearing, if they continue in faith and charity and holiness with sobriety. 1 Timothy 2:15
Does the above verse mean that as long as a wife bears children that she shall be saved? Hardly! No serious believer could think that a wife will be saved simply if she has babies. We have to cease trying to interpret scripture in the natural realm. The greatest ministry a wife can have is to help to bring forth her husband SPIRITUALLY by her intercession and her behavior, NOT by her words! From the context of what precedes, the “they” clearly refers to both the husband and the wife. As a minimum, the verse speaks of the godly woman who finds fulfillment in her role as wife and mother in the home. A wife who is in rebellion to her husband is on thin ice. The same is true for the husband. So there is a big admonition here for both the husband and the wife.
Now let us look very carefully at some classic scriptures for wives in 1 Peter.
1 Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives;2 While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear.3 Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel;4 But let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price.5 For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands:6 Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement. 1 Peter 3:1-6
Any time we see the word “likewise” in scripture, we should go back and see what it refers to. In Verse 1, “likewise” refers to 1 Peter 2:13-17, where believers are told to submit to government authorities; and to 1 Peter 2:18, where servants are told to submit to masters.
The Greek word “be in subjection” in Verse 1 is translated as “submit” and “be subject to” in 1 Peter 2:18. The word means to submit to a recognized authority. The word does NOT imply inferiority! The submission spoken of here is a function necessary for the orderly operation of the home. Paul says the same thing in Ephesians 5:22-24. The woman in a marriage is a microcosm of the Church in Her relationship to the Lord. The opposite of submit is resist. Should the Church be submissive to the Lord?
In any business organization, academic institution, or government agency, someone must make final decisions. The same is true for the family ... the basic cell unit of the Church. The word of God is clear that God has ordained for men to make the final decisions for the family and for elders to decide for the local Church; but for the men to be under the headship of the Lord Jesus Christ. The following verse, if we read the context, clearly states that children should NOT be the oppressors of the Lord’s people and that women should NOT rule over them or lead them.
In any business organization, academic institution, or government agency, someone must make final decisions. The same is true for the family ... the basic cell unit of the Church. The word of God is clear that God has ordained for men to make the final decisions for the family and for elders to decide for the local Church; but for the men to be under the headship of the Lord Jesus Christ. The following verse, if we read the context, clearly states that children should NOT be the oppressors of the Lord’s people and that women should NOT rule over them or lead them.
As for My people, children are their oppressors, and women rule over them. O My people, they which lead thee cause thee to err, and destroy the way of thy paths. Isaiah 3:12
The problem is that we men do NOT like to make hard decisions. Further, most decisions of any magnitude require earnestly seeking the Lord and then hearing His voice. You can not get your answer from reading a book, not even the Bible, unless the Holy Spirit quickens to you His rhema word. Of course the husband should ALWAYS ask his wife for her input on any problem that requires a major decision. Then, however, the husband must seek the Lord for His leading.
Sarah certainly gave her advice to Abraham on major decisions, but at the same time she “obeyed Abraham, calling him lord” (1 Peter 3:6). Abraham got into BIG trouble when he simply followed her advice without seeking the Lord. Sarah told Abraham to have a child with her handmaid “and Abram hearkened to the voice of Sarai” (Genesis 16:2). The result was Ishmael and we know the trouble that produced and is still producing today. Years later when Isaac was born, Sarah told Abraham to “cast out this bondwoman and her son: for the son of this bondwoman shall not be heir with my son, even with Isaac” (Genesis 21:10). But this time Sarah was right because God said to Abraham, “in all that Sarah hath said unto thee, hearken unto her voice; for in Isaac shall thy seed be called” (Genesis 21:12).
When a major decision point arises within the family, ask your husband to seek the Lord for what the family should do. This is a good approach, even if the wife believes she already knows what they should do. This is one of several ways to press your husband into the Lord. Then REGARDLESS of whether or not you believe that your husband has made the right decision, trust the Lord and commit the situation to Him (unless it clearly violates a scriptural principle). Wife, you can NOT sit around and wait for your husband to become spiritual enough to make all of the right decisions. He is your head WHETHER OR NOT HE MAKES ALL OF THE RIGHT DECISIONS. Even if the husband makes a bad decision, the wife will be covered and protected as long as her actions and her heart are in accordance with the will of God. The Lord will protect the wife who follows His scriptural principles.
A good example of this is Sarah, Abraham’s wife. On two occasions (Genesis 12:10-20 and Genesis 20), Abraham told Sarah to tell everyone that she was his sister and not his wife. Sarah obeyed Abraham, even though we believe that she knew it was at best a half-truth. She never argued with Abraham and never questioned Abraham’s request for her to lie. Sarah simply trusted in the Lord that He would protect her. What happened? the Lord in both cases protected Sarah.
The word translated in 1 Peter 3:1 and 2 as “conversation” is better translated as “behavior.” “Chaste conversation” speaks of a moral purity that springs from reverence toward God. Let us now be much more specific about the scriptural behavior of the wife.
Wives should not “preach” to or argue with their unbelieving husbands; neither should wives preach to or argue with their believing husbands. The husband should be able to SEE the quality of the life of his wife and desire that same quality. Actions speak louder than words!
Neither a wife (nor her husband) should ever let the sun go down on their wrath (Ephesians 4:26). Wives need to speak softly and gently to their husbands and encourage open communication. Never yell at your husband. Never talk about some disagreement or point of contention while you or he is angry.
It is better to dwell in the corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman and in a wide house. Proverbs 25:24
A wife needs to build up her husband, praise him, speak positive words of encouragement, be cheerful, smile, make your husband feel like he is the most important man on earth. The wife should call those things that are not as though they are (Romans 4:17). Call him what you want him to be until he becomes it. Do NOT try to make him be like you! The Lord made women and men to have different characteristics. A woman frequently thinks that she will change her husband with kindness or with her good looks or with her sexuality. That will never happen!
If the husband has received a word of prophecy from the Lord, the wife needs to earnestly contend in prayer with her husband that that word might come to fulfillment. Why do we have to fight for that which the Lord has spoken? because the Lord wants to prove us, so He allows the thief to come to try to steal away that word which has been sown in our heart. We need to earnestly contend for the faith which was once delivered unto the saints (Jude 3). Paul told Timothy,
This charge I commit unto thee, son Timothy, according to the prophecies which went before on thee, that thou by them mightest war a good warfare.
1 Timothy 1:18
The wife needs to ask the Lord for wisdom to prepare nutritious meals. Our bodies are the temple of the Holy Spirit. If the wife buys all of the groceries, then go easy on sweets, junk food, and carbonated drinks. It is also a very good idea for the husband and wife to participate in reasonable exercise, hopefully together, such as fast walking.
The wife also needs to ask the Lord for wisdom with respect to finances. We MUST learn to live within our means. If a wife likes to go shopping, buy lots of nice clothes, jewelry, etc., then ask the Lord to show you a better way ... a way more in accord with scripture. The type of adorning for a wife that Peter refers to in 1 Peter 3:5 is the same as what Paul told Timothy.
9 In like manner also, that women adorn themselves in modest apparel, with shamefacedness and sobriety; not with broided hair, or gold, or pearls, or costly array;10 But (which becometh women professing godliness) with good works.
1 Timothy 2:9-10
As a generality, women have been ordained to play a more hidden role than men (1 Peter 3:4). Men are in more prominent, visible positions in the Church. That in NO way makes the role of the woman inferior or less important. The “meek and quiet spirit” spoken of in Verse 4 speaks of the quality of the spirit, the inner man. There is also a difference between being meek and being weak. Meek implies strength which is under control; weak implies lack of strength.
(Now the man Moses was very meek, above all the men which were upon the face of the earth.) Numbers 12:3Blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the earth. Matthew 5:5Tell ye the daughter of Sion, Behold, thy King cometh unto thee, meek, sitting upon an ass, and a colt the foal of an ass. Matthew 21:5
The word “quiet” in 1 Peter 3:4 does not mean “never saying anything.” It should more accurately be translated “peaceable.”
The standards stated in 1 Peter 3:5 (in the old time) are NOT limited to any particular time or culture. We are in BIG trouble any time we state or imply that some scriptures no longer apply to us today because times and cultures have changed.
In 1 Peter 3:6, “not afraid with any amazement” means that the wife, as long as she walks in that which the Lord speaks to her through the word, need not fear any potential disaster but rather can safely trust in God.
The Proverbs 31 Woman
We could never complete this word without mentioning the “Proverbs 31 woman,” which is well known to most believers. But how many of us remember Proverbs 31:1?
The words of king Lemuel, the prophecy that his mother taught him. Proverbs 31:1
Have you ever noticed in the books of Kings and Chronicles how many times the mother of a king is named but not the father? In the books of 1 Kings and 2 Kings, there are seventeen (17) different occurrences of “and his mother’s name was ...” That emphasizes the great effect that a woman has on her son. Then consider the numerous scriptures that refer to Mary, the mother of Jesus, and the few scriptures that speak of Joseph, Mary’s husband.
Note that the mother of Lemuel taught him the prophecy which follows in Proverbs 31. “Lemuel” means “devoted to God.” Most theologians believe that Lemuel was actually Solomon. In any event, the entire chapter of Proverbs 31 emphasizes the role and significance of wise and virtuous women. No one can read these verses without being impressed with how much work the wife does and how important she is in the family. Let us read about the virtuous woman.
10 Who can find a virtuous woman? For her price is far above rubies.11 The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil.12 She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life.13 She seeketh wool, and flax, and worketh willingly with her hands.14 She is like the merchant’s ships; she bringeth her food from afar.15 She riseth also while it is yet night, and giveth meat to her household, and a portion to her maidens.16 She considereth a field, and buyeth it: with the fruit of her hands she planteth a vineyard.17 She girdeth her loins with strength, and strengtheneth her arms.18 She perceiveth that her merchandise is good: her candle goeth not out by night.19 She layeth her hands to the spindle, and her hands hold the distaff.20 She stretcheth out her hand to the poor; yea, she reacheth forth her hands to the needy.21 She is not afraid of the snow for her household: for all her household are clothed with scarlet.22 She maketh herself coverings of tapestry; her clothing is silk and purple.23 Her husband is known in the gates, when he sitteth among the elders of the land.24 She maketh fine linen, and selleth it; and delivereth girdles unto the merchant.25 Strength and honour are her clothing; and she shall rejoice in time to come.26 She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness.27 She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness.28 Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her.29 Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all.30 Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the Lord, she shall be praised.31 Give her of the fruit of her hands; and let her own works praise her in the gate. Proverbs 31:10-31
In Proverbs 31:30, a woman that feareth the Lord shall be praised. This is also true for a man.
In a sense, a Christian wife is an evangelist to her own husband, particularly if he has not met the reality of Christ in his life. The Samaritan woman (in John 4) was used as an evangelist to those men in Sychar and surrounding areas of Samaria. More generally, the greatest ministry that a Godly wife has ever received (other than her ministry to the Lord) is her ministry to her own husband. Your marriage IS a ministry. If our marriages do not “work,” how do we expect the Church to prosper? It is very important to have the anointing in your own home! How do we receive that anointing? by obedience to the word of God with a pure heart, fervently, doing everything as unto the Lord. It is the anointing that breaks the yoke of man (Isaiah 10:27) and replaces it with the yoke of the Lord.
Be Not Unequally Yoked
Here we need to speak a word of caution to Christian women, whatever their spiritual level. Be not unequally yoked! A yoke in the natural realm is a wooden frame by which two animals, such as oxen, are joined together at their necks in order for them to work together as one unit. In the spiritual realm, we are to be yoked with the Lord Jesus, working together with Him as one unit. Jesus said,
29 Take my yoke upon you, and learn of Me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.30 For My yoke is easy, and my burden is light. Matthew 11:29-30
If any two animals or two human beings are unequally yoked, they will have great difficulty working together as one unit to the glory of God. With an unequal yoke, the necks of BOTH parties will be irritated and chafed with every step, such that both parties will want to be divorced from that yoke.
Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness? 2 Corinthians 6:14
The verse above clearly says that a believer should not be yoked together with a non-believer. Yes, the grace and love of God are greater than our failures, but if a believer marries a non-believer, there will be trouble in the flesh. The fourth Chapter of John speaks about the mixture that abounded in Samaria at that time. All throughout the Old Testament, the Lord warned His people not to intermarry with those who were Canaanites.
But there is another level of “Be not unequally yoked.” In a perfect situation, the husband and wife would be at the SAME spiritual level. They would grow in grace and in the knowledge of the Lord TOGETHER, as one. Even when both husband and wife are born again believers, if one of the two is, for example, baptized in the Holy Spirit but the other is not, there can be problems in the marriage. Then the stronger of the two must reach down (through prayer and chaste behavior) to pull the weaker up to the same spiritual level. This situation, as we have previously described, is MOST common when the wife sees more of the Lord than does her husband; but it can work both ways. Once more, for Christian wives, “Go, call your husband.”
Another sense of the verse, “be not unequally yoked” is in the sense of “be careful not to let it happen.” A wife should pray always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit that her husband come to that same place of spiritual maturity where she is. Once more, the wife needs to be VERY careful that in her zeal for more of the Lord and His word that she does not create or add to an ever widening breach between herself and her husband. Remember that the enemy desires to divide husband and wife.
Prayer and Intercession
Wives have a HUGE role to play in the spiritual development of their husbands. Likewise, women have a HUGE role to play in the development of the Church. These two roles are essentially the same. Consider what the Lord told Boaz (a word of prophecy, probably through one or more elders) as he claimed Ruth to be his wife.
The Lord make the woman [Ruth] that is come into thine house like Rachel and like Leah, which two did build the house of Israel. Ruth 4:11
Now Rachel and Leah did NOT build the house of Israel with hammer and nails. Moreover, they did NOT build the house of Jacob. Jacob, of course, in scripture refers to the natural man; Israel refers to the spiritual man. This verse is NOT saying that Rachel and Leah had babies. Now certainly there is a natural, physical-level interpretation to that word. Rachel and Leah DID bear 12 sons and one daughter (Dinah) to their husband Jacob (four of the sons came from the maids of Rachel and Leah). If you go back into the book of Genesis and read the chapters which talk about the life of Jacob, you will see that when Jacob finally saw that it is the Lord who rules, not man, his name was changed to Israel. So the above verse has NO natural level meaning, but there is a spiritual significance.
It is easy to see from scripture that a woman is more sensitive to the realm of the Spirit than is a man. At the same time, a woman is also more sensitive to evil spirits (Eve was the first to be seduced by the adversary). But there is no greater power in the human race than a husband and wife who are rightly related to the Lord and rightly related to each other. The prayers of such a couple will result in mountains being moved! There is an extra strength in two. A three-fold cord is not quickly broken (husband, wife, and the Holy Spirit). The male has physical strength; the woman has spiritual strength; they unite to create a dynamite couple. But it is the wife (like Rachel and Leah and Ruth) who builds the house spiritually. I have always been aware that my wife was praying for me every time that I have spoken in a public meeting.
How did Rachel and Leah build the house of Israel? First of all by their intercession for Jacob. In Genesis 32, Jacob is on his way back to meet his brother Esau. At this point in time, Jacob is still planning, scheming, using his own natural, carnal mind as to how to appease Esau, whom he had deceived and supplanted twice ... once to obtain the birthright (Genesis 25) and then to obtain the blessing (Genesis 27). So Jacob had decided to send messengers before him to tell Esau that his brother was coming. The messengers returned and told Jacob that Esau was coming with 400 men. That large of a company of men usually meant a fight, so Jacob was greatly afraid (Genesis 32:7).
At that point, Jacob did something that he had not done for 20 years (at least not recorded in scripture). He said to himself, “Maybe I better pray about this and remind the Lord what he told me 20 years ago, how He was going to protect me.” So Jacob prayed a very superficial, self-centered prayer (Genesis 32:9-13). Please note that the Lord never responded to Jacob’s “prayer.” Then Jacob went right back to his old scheming ways. He sent a large present ahead to Esau and he divided up his camp such that he and his household would be last in line, in case Esau came with revenge in his mind. He even placed himself and Rachel last. Then,
22 And he [Jacob] rose up that night, and took his two wives, and his two womenservants, and his eleven sons, and passed over the ford Jabbok.23 And he took them, and sent them over the brook, and sent over that he had. Genesis 32:22-23
“Jabbok” means an emptying or pouring out. So Jacob was now all alone. Verses 24-28 of Genesis 32 describes the wrestling between the Lord and Jacob. This was NOT a physical wrestling match! It was a wrestling in the mind of Jacob. The Lord touched the hollow of Jacob’s thigh and with one touch caused Jacob to limp the rest of his days. But Jacob finally got the message that the Lord is the One who rules, not man. So his name was changed to Israel, which means God rules or orders or commands. But when Rachel and Leah went over the ford Jabbok, what do you think they were doing? They were interceding for Jacob! They were building the house of Israel!
Clearly, one function that is a responsibility of all women (as well as men) is to pray.
36 And there was one Anna, a prophetess, the daughter of Phanuel, of the tribe of Aser: she was of a great age, and had lived with an husband seven years from her virginity;37 And she was a widow of about fourscore and four years, which departed not from the temple, but served God with fastings and prayers night and day.38 And she coming in that instant gave thanks likewise unto the Lord, and spake of Him to all then that looked for redemption in Jerusalem. Luke 2:36-38
Linda’s Personal Testimony
Background
I was raised in a very dysfunctional home where I suffered great emotional abuse, particularly from my mother. Without going into any details, I was downtrodden and downcast. In my desperation, I turned to “God” often although I had not met the reality of Jesus Christ in my life.
When I was 20 years old, Bob’s parents met me while my college roommate and I were working at a restaurant at Nags Head, North Carolina. His mother, in particular, pushed for Bob to meet me as soon as possible. Hindsight, she probably had already determined that I was to be her son’s wife. Bob and I went out together one evening before he was transferred overseas by the Air Force. Two months later, Bob called me from Germany and asked me to marry him. I told him “yes” provided we both still felt the same way after we were together again. One month after that, just before Thanksgiving, Bob’s father suddenly died and Bob was back in the States on emergency leave. Just after the funeral, Bob’s mother shifted into high gear, determined that we should be married before Bob returned to his overseas assignment. I was no match for her strong manipulation and pressure and we indeed were married on Christmas Day. I hardly knew Bob and remember crying out to God to please stop the marriage if it was not His will because I was too weak to stop it myself.
In reality, I left one suffering environment and entered into another. We endured nine long years of a difficult, “seemingly hopeless” marriage before we came to know the Lord. I was actually ashamed of my husband just as I had been ashamed of my parents and home life as I was growing up. We were so different in so many ways! At that time, I did not understand that the Lord had actually brought us together; neither did I understand His wisdom in bringing opposites together.
I tried everything imaginable to change him. I tried being nice and that did not work; I tried being the opposite of nice and that did not work. I forced him to go to church, but he would sit straight up in a pew and snore! I would poke him in the side, but he would wake up with a very loud snort that was louder than the snoring! We hit rock bottom and were on the brink of divorce when ... praise God, in the midst of our despair, the Lord revealed Himself to us!!!
Dearly beloved, I share my background only to emphasize that the Lord uses ALL our experiences to mold us and shape us into His unique vessel, formed for His purpose and His good pleasure. I can now understand how all my experiences were my school master in the Lord to prepare me for my part in our “one ministry” that my husband and I were to express in due season.
Early Days
The Lord revealed Himself to Bob in a “road to Damascus” experience, very dramatically and very sovereignly. What I had been trying to accomplish during our difficult nine years of marriage, the Lord did in a twinkling of the eye. We had no instantaneous, “perfect” marriage, but there was a definite change. A few months later Bob prayed for me and I came to the Lord quietly, by faith. In due season the Lord shifted and taught Bob to walk by faith, without signs and wonders, and I experienced many signs and wonders. The first such manifestation to me occurred when we were invited to give our testimony at a large gathering of believers in a “New Adventures in Prayer” meeting on September 13, 1968. I remember thinking that Bob could “wow” them with his “Damascus road” experience and subsequent dramatic experiences in many areas, but I had had no such experiences. I cried out to the Lord for what, if anything, I could say. Shortly before we left to go to that meeting, the only thing that occurred to me was to share about our personal “wasted years without Christ.” Just before the leader of that meeting called on us to give our testimony, he said, “Before I call the Padgett’s up to share their testimony, I want to read a poem, titled, ‘Our Wasted Years Without Christ’” Praise the Lord! I now had a testimony!
Our marriage obviously needed much restoration. I believed that the answer to most of our married problems would be the Lord doing a great work within Bob. Therefore, spiritually, I pointed a finger at Bob and said, “Lord change him.” Instead, the Lord curved my finger around to point at me and said, “I’m going to do a great work within you.”
Birth of My Help Meet Ministry
In the early days in our Christian church fellowship, I was more vocal; Bob was more quiet. Then all I can say is that the Lord opened my eyes to see my help meet ministry. He lit a fire within me and it burned brighter and brighter. The Lord began teaching me. Just as it is written about Lydia in Acts 16, the Lord opened my heart to respond to the things spoken by Him. The Lord gave me a sure word from 1 Thessalonians 1:8, “you [Linda] have no need to say anything.” However, in that environment of quietness the Lord had much work to do within me.
No man taught me about my ministry to my husband and I never read any book but the Bible. When we don’t know anything about some area, we are very teachable by the Lord. We don’t have to unlearn anything.
And He said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for My strength is made perfect in weakness. 2 Corinthians 12:9
The Lord began to show me His call upon my husband and that He desired to use me as His primary vessel to bring forth His ministry within my husband. The Lord, over the years, has revealed a number of spiritual truths to me through gardening, which I dearly love. He showed me that I was like a garden hose. The garden hose has to be connected to the water source in order to be used to water plants and shrubs. The Source is the Lord; I was the garden hose; and I was to be used by the Lord to pour forth spiritual water to my husband.
Whatever the Lord would show me, I would pray fervently, intercede, and groan in the spirit that the Lord’s purpose for Bob might come forth. I made a conscious decision that my words, manner, and behavior would line up with what the Lord revealed. At church meetings I changed drastically and became quiet in order for Bob to come forth, while praying fervently for him. I was NOT passive. I was very active in my quietness. I did not become quiet because I had no truth to share but because I saw a principle that was MORE important than my sharing some truth. I saw that it was more important for Bob to come into maturity in the Lord than for me to share some truth. I had been allowed to see the help meet ministry of a wife to her husband.
My drastic change caused quite a stir in the local church environment. Others in the church saw that I became very quiet during the formal meetings. Many felt that I was in bondage and/or manipulated by my husband. One out-of- town leader, after hearing rumors, called me “stiff-necked” in the most gentle way he could. However, I never tried to defend my self for I knew what the Lord had made real in my heart ... a higher way.
[I, Bob, would like to interject at this point. One reason why Linda was misunderstood was because of the “oneness ministry” which was yet to be revealed to us, (but which, nevertheless was in operation even though neither of us knew it.) One of the first prophetic words I, Bob, ever received from a mature ministry was that I would be greatly misunderstood. So because I was greatly misunderstood, so was Linda, for we are one in God’s sight! Another reason that Linda was misunderstood MAY have been caused by an over-emphasis of an incorrect interpretation of 1 Corinthians 14:26, which was liberally taught that when we come together EVERYONE should have something to say. That is NOT what Paul is saying in that verse! Every member of the body is NOT a mouth during (or after) the assembly! The man who spoke the hard word about Linda being “stiff-necked” was never around to see our normal meetings. He simply took someone’s word about her as being true, without ever bothering to come and ask us our version. That kind of action, which we have seen far too many times, is a BIG mistake! The scriptural approach if you believe something is amiss is to go to your brother FIRST, privately, and ASK whether or not things you have heard are true.]
The result of my actions? the Lord honored His word and Bob began to come forth. At some point the Lord showed Bob what He was about through me. Then Bob, being greatly impressed, began teaching about a woman’s help meet ministry.
In March of 1973 the Lord also opened up a scripture to me concerning the end times in which we now live.
And woe unto them that are with child, and to them that give suck in those days! Matthew 24:19
Most Christians probably interpret that verse in the natural realm. It is certainly true that a pregnant woman or a woman with a small child will experience great difficulty in those days of great tribulation that Jesus spoke about. But the Lord revealed to me the spiritual significance of that verse. Woe unto the Christian wife in those days whose husband has not yet been birthed into Christ or who is an immature babe in Christ, for he will be unable to provide the proper spiritual covering for his wife.
I also longed for my husband to love me as Christ loves the Church. I told the Lord early on that I did not want anything from my husband unless it was born of the Spirit. Therefore I did not talk about my needs with my husband. Instead, I would run weeping to the throne of grace. Until the day dawned and the day star arose in my husband’s heart in this area, the Lord ministered to my every need. He became all things to me that my husband, at that time, could not give me. He is our Provision. He is our all. We never lack for anything! During my most difficult times, some verses that gave me much strength were the following:
The cup which my Father has given me, shall I not drink it? John 18:11The Lord will perfect that which concerneth me. Psalm 138:8The end of the matter is better than the beginning. Ecclesiastes 7:8
After a long period of waiting, I never thought that my husband would ever even begin to love me as Christ loves the Church. However, the Lord is faithful! The first book my husband wrote is called, “The Love of a Man for His Wife.” Both he and I thought he would be the last person to write such a book. But nothing is impossible with God!
Nuggets of Gold for the Christian Wife
1. Be a wise womanEvery wise woman buildeth her house. Proverbs 14:13 Through wisdom is an house builded; and by understanding it is established.4 And by knowledge shall the chambers be filled with all precious and pleasant riches. Proverbs 24:3-4
Hebrews 3:3-4 says that the builder of the house has more honor than the house and the builder of all things is God. Ruth 4:11 says that Rachel and Leah did build the house of Israel. Certainly Rachel and Leah were not carpenters. They did NOT use hammer and nails to build the house of Israel. Neither is that verse talking about the fact that Rachel and Leah had natural children. They built the house of Israel spiritually, by their intercession and behavior! Wives, do you realize that YOU have been called to build YOUR house! Women have an awesome responsibility! Listen to the exhortation of the Lord.
9 Rise up, ye women that are at ease; hear my voice, ye careless daughters; give ear unto my speech.10 Many days and years shall ye be troubled, ye careless women: for the vintage shall fall, the gathering shall not come.11 Tremble, ye women that are at ease; be troubled, ye careless ones: strip you, and make you bare, and gird sackcloth upon your loins. Isaiah 32:9-112. Women Are More Sensitive to the Spiritual Realm
God intended that the wife should be the primary vessel to bring forth her husband spiritually, by her intercession and her behavior ... by the hidden man of the heart. He desires to enlighten her as to His high calling for her husband. As she brings him forth, in turn he brings her forth. Using the wisdom of the Lord, she can support, encourage, and praise him into the vision which the Lord has for her husband.
3. Submission: As Unto the Lord
Submission means that the wife is supportive, undergirding, and upholding. She devotedly affirms the call upon her husband and gladly defers to the Lord’s authority which rests upon him. She is properly arrayed to her husband no matter where he is in the Lord. The wife must visualize the office to which the man has been called. You do not obey a policeman because of his/her personal integrity and godly characteristics. You obey a policeman because of the office that he/she represents. The wife is NOT being hypocritical when she calls things that are not as though they are. She is simply lining up in agreement with the living word.
4. Endeavor to Keep the Unity
Jesus showed no concern about the shocks and bruises His body would meet from external forces. He moved about easily, unthreatened, among both sinners and criminals. But He cried out against any kind of disloyalty that comes from within.
Wife, think of your marriage as a bubble. Outside problems and issues can bounce off; they are not as serious as problems inside the bubble. Satan knows this and will primarily attack and try to divide the husband from his wife. Women are more sensitive to these little foxes and have the God-given ability to “nip it in the bud.” The threat will usually happen just prior to your “being about your Father’s business.” The enemy knows that if you and your husband are out of sorts, you both will be less effective in any kind of ministry. The wife needs to be willing to crawl to maintain a right relationship with the Lord and with her husband.
5. No Life in Criticism
When you criticize your spouse, you shame your own body. Instead, praise and encourage him, particularly in the Lord’s vision for him.
6. Release Your Husband to the Holy Spirit
29 But this I say, brethren, the time is short: it remaineth, that both they that have wives be as though they had none;30 And they that weep, as though they wept not; and they that rejoice, as though they rejoiced not; and they that buy, as though they possessed not;31 And they that use this world, as not abusing it: for the fashion of this world passeth away. 1 Corinthians 7:29-31
The wife must let go, for the husband belongs to the Lord first and foremost. The wife must deliberately take on more responsibilities so that their husband has time to devote to the Lord through prayer and service.
7. The Woman Was Created for the Glory of the Man
3 But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God.7 For a man indeed ought not to cover his head, forasmuch as he is the image and glory of God: but the woman is the glory of the man.9 Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man. 1 Corinthians 11:3, 7, 9
We wives bestow honor, praise, and admiration upon our husband by being a woman of excellence. Husbands should be proud and grateful that they have a Godly wife who radiates inner beauty. A tremendous Scripture is:
The king’s daughter is all glorious within: her clothing is of wrought gold. Psalm 45:13
8. God’s Purpose In Your Differences
Many couples say “we are simply opposites.” Unfortunately, a few women even use that as an excuse for divorce. It is the wisdom of God to bring together a man and a woman who are quite different in many ways. The Lord uses those differences to mold each partner into that which the Lord desires. You don’t want your husband to be like you anyway. You want him to be like the Lord! You want your husband to have all of the characteristics of the Lord. That is what you pray for. That is the image into which you want to press your husband. The Lord also is using the differences to bring His balance to that one vessel, that one flesh ... husband and wife.
9. Strengths and Weaknesses
A husband and wife have different strengths and weaknesses. That is another reason why you need each other. Remember that a weak tree cannot bend ... it will simply snap with too much pressure. A strong tree can bend in severe weather. Therefore, the stronger vessel in a particular area must bend in love for the sake of the weaker, while praying that the particular weakness of the spouse might be strengthened by the Lord.
A Final Word Of Encouragement For Wives
No one can go wrong by following the word of the Lord with a pure heart, fervently. Man looks on the outward appearance but God looks on the heart. The Lord is not looking for a mechanical, routine obedience to the word. He is looking for those who have a broken and contrite spirit. Some wives may FEEL that their position is not appreciated by others, particularly by their own husband. But if we look at the parable of the talents, in Matthew 25, we see that there is the SAME reward for ALL who use wisely whatever talents they have received. If you are looking for the applause of men, then you MAY be disappointed. But we can think of no greater reward than to hear the Lord say, when time is no more, “Well done, thou good and faithful servant: enter thou into the joy of the Lord.”
Chapter 4: Marriage Principles For The Husband
Undoubtedly the two most important aspects of the role of the husband in a marriage are:
1. He must love his wife as Christ loves the Church (Ephesians 5:25).2. He is the head of the family (Ephesians 5:23). Authority in the family has been given to the husband. Therefore it is the responsibility of the husband to create an environment for good relationships with his wife and children.
Most men do not understand how Christ loved the Church, so they find it very difficult to love their wife in a way they do not understand. Just as God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son ... likewise must the husband give of himself for his wife. Most marriages end because of selfishness. God’s way is to give.
Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the Church, and gave Himself for it; Ephesians 5:25
The above verse, written by the apostle Paul, inspired by the Holy Spirit, is an unconditional statement ... many would say a commandment. So husbands are to love their wives if their wives are nagging, mean-spirited, or even caught up in some sort of sin. Although we have no statistics and no sampling surveys to substantiate this, we believe, rather strongly, that most men do not know how to love their wives. This is particularly true for those who are without Christ in their lives, but, unfortunately, is also true for far too many Christians. One reason for this belief is that the divorce rate for Christians is now reported as not much less than the divorce rate for unbelievers. Divorce today seems to be looked upon as just a routine matter. If someone isn't being satisfied in their marriage, adultery, usually followed by divorce, is looked upon as being a very normal way "out."
15 Know ye not that your bodies are the members of Christ? shall I then take the members of Christ and make them the members of an harlot? God forbid.16 What? know ye not that he which is joined to an harlot is one body? for two, saith He, shall be one flesh.17 But he that is joined unto the Lord is one spirit. 1 Corinthians 6:15-17
Monogamy for a lifetime was and is God's original plan. Note that Verse 16 above does NOT say that two or three or more shall be one flesh. The Lord Jesus emphasized this principle in Matthew 19:3-9.
And He said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh. Matthew 19:5
The word flesh is a figure of speech which is put for the whole person; i.e., when a part is put for the whole. In other words, the husband is incomplete without his [one] wife and vice versa. Abraham had the equivalent of two wives, Sarah and Hagar. We all know the trouble that the second wife, Hagar, got us into with Ishmael. That trouble has persisted throughout the rest of history. It is also true that Jacob had more than one wife, but that was also a work of the flesh. Christ came through the line of Judah, who was the offspring of Leah, Jacob’s first wife, given to him sovereignly by the hand of God. Jacob’s work of the flesh was to go after Rachel, who was much more beautiful in the natural realm than Leah, even though Jacob already had his intended bride, Leah.
One major reason why so many young married women are working today is because they find no fulfillment at home with their husbands. Every human being is looking for fulfillment (or happiness). Men (and sadly to say even Christian men) do NOT love their wives as Christ loves the Church. (That is the thesis of Volume 1: The Love of a Man for His Wife.) Men do NOT show their wives the affection, tender loving care, kindness, gentleness, and tenderness that their wives long after. Far too many married women are starved for true love from their husbands. So the wives look aggressively for fulfillment in other ways ... through a "career," which may lead to an affair, and then divorce. So all of us men need to sincerely ask the Lord to deepen our love (actually His love through us) for our wives. Back in the 1970's, there was a big movement which emphasized the submission of a wife to her husband. Well that certainly is scriptural, but that teaching of submission was misused and out of balance. Hindsight, if instead there had been a big emphasis on husbands loving their wives as Christ loves the Church, there probably would never have been any need to stress the submission of a wife to her husband. Most Christian wives would be delighted to submit to a husband who truly loves them with the love of Christ.
We believe very strongly that the major reason the divorce rate is so high is because of selfishness on the part of one or both spouses.
Turn, O backsliding children, saith the Lord; for I am married unto you ...
Jeremiah 3:14
The Lord says that He is married to us. Before any man chooses to divorce his wife, he should ask himself, "what if the Lord decides to divorce ME?" We do not believe that if a believer chooses to divorce his wife that he will "lose" his salvation. But a Christian man should carefully consider the possible consequences if he totally rejects a gift of God to him ... his wife ... or any other gift of God.
The Lord said to Hosea,
Go, take unto thee a wife of whoredoms and children of whoredoms: for the land hath committed great whoredom, departing from the Lord. Hosea 1:2
This verse in Hosea reflects the great love of God for His people, despite their failures. The verse also reflects the same type of love a man should have for his wife.
There is a simplicity that is in Christ! (2 Corinthians 11:3). Under the old covenant, the law reigned. Thou shalt do this ... thou shalt not do that. But under the new covenant, love reigns. One of the Pharisees asked Jesus what was the greatest commandment in the law.
37 Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind.38 This is the first and great commandment.39 And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself.40 On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets.
Matthew 22:37-40
Owe no man any thing, but to love one another: for he that loveth another hath fulfilled the law. Romans 13:8Love worketh no ill to his neighbor: therefore love is the fulfilling of the law. Romans 13:10
Of course, it is IMPOSSIBLE for any one to fulfill those two, or any other, commandments with their own natural energy or by their own natural efforts. Only Christ in you, the hope of glory, can love God and love your neighbor with the love of God.
Types of love
In the New Testament, the two major words which are translated with the English word "love" are agapao and phileo.
(1) agapao: to love, in a social or moral sense(2) phileo: to be a friend to, have affection for
Agape love, agapao, is by far the most commonly used word for love in the New Testament. Strong's Concordance says that agapao is chiefly of the heart and phileo of the head. Agapao indicates a direction of the will and finding one's joy in something. Agapao always is used of God's love toward man and vice versa. For God’s love to be manifest within and through us our will must overrule our emotions (See Chapter 5). The use of phileo, which means having common interests with another, may or may not include a choice of the will. Another Greek word, eros, is emotional love, which begins and centers in our feelings and tends to overrule our will. Being “in love” is usually eros, and although by definition this is sexual love, it is not necessarily physical. It is simply an expression of a deep desire to relate with a member of the opposite sex; a normal, healthy, and God-designed desire. However, it should not be interpreted as God’s sanction on a relationship or as the sole basis for marriage. A marriage based only on eros will fail; a marriage based on agapao will last.
The Love of God and the Love of Christ
For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life. John 3:1615 Love not the world, neither the things that are in the world. If any man love the world, the love of the Father is not in him.16 For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh, and the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life, is not of the Father, but is of the world. 1 John 2:15-16
The above two verses were written by the same man, the apostle John. On the surface, they appear to be contradictory. God so loved the world ... but we are told that we are to love NOT the world. Furthermore, in both cases (John 3:16 and 1 John 2:15-16) the Greek word for "world" is the same ... kosmos, which can mean the sum total of the material universe, the beauty in it; or the sum total of persons living in the world. The key to the apparent difference may be found in John 17.
6 I have manifested thy name unto the men which thou gavest me out of the world: thine they were, and thou gavest them me; and they have kept thy word.9 I pray for them: I pray not for the world, but for them which thou hast given me; for they are thine.20 Neither pray I for these alone, but for them also which shall believe on me through their word. John 17:6, 9, 20
God so loved the world. No man will be able to stand before God and say, "you never gave me a chance." (Romans 1:18-32 is proof of this.) But God in His infinite wisdom and foreknowledge knew all those who would believe on His Son, Jesus Christ. And those were (are) the ones that God gave to His Son, Jesus. It is important to note that Jesus did NOT pray for the world (John 17:9).
God's love is sovereign, free and undeserved, everlasting, cannot be expressed, is inconceivable, immutable, boundless and infinite. A few scriptures that reveal the love of God towards His children and the love of Christ to His Church are:
I in them, and Thou in me, that they may be made perfect in one; and that the world may know that Thou hast sent me, and hast loved them, as Thou hast loved me. John 17:23And walk in love, as Christ also hath loved us, and hath given Himself for us an offering and a sacrifice to God for a sweet smelling savour. Ephesians 5:2
The Love of Christ for the Church and The Love of a Man for His Wife
God so loved the world, but Christ loved those whom God gave unto Him ... the Church. Jesus said, "no man can come unto me, except it were given unto him of my Father" (John 6:65). In like manner, God brings (gives) the perfect wife to a (Christian) man, just as God made Eve to be a help meet for Adam and brought her to him.
Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with Whom there is no variableness, neither shadow of turning. James 1:17
Adam recognized that Eve was a gift from God.
And the man said, The woman whom Thou gavest to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I did eat. Genesis 3:12
Therefore, a Christian man must love the wife that the Lord brings to him just as Christ loved the Church. The one true Church, which consists of all born again believers in Christ, was (is) a gift from the Father to the Son. A believer's wife is likewise a gift from God to the man. This is WHY God hates divorce. Divorce constitutes a rejection of a covenant and a REJECTION of the gift of God to a man.
14 Yet ye say, Wherefore? Because the Lord hath been witness between thee and the wife of thy youth, against whom thou hast dealt treacherously: yet is she thy companion, and the wife of thy covenant.15 And did not He make one? Yet had He the residue of the spirit. And wherefore one? That he might seek a godly seed. Therefore take heed to your spirit, and let none deal treacherously against the wife of his youth.16 For the Lord, the God of Israel, saith that He hateth putting away: for one covereth violence with his garment, saith the Lord of hosts: therefore take heed to your spirit, that ye deal not treacherously. Malachi 2:14-16
Another example of God bringing a wife to a man is found in Genesis:24, where Rebekah was brought to be the wife of Isaac. A similar example is how the Lord brought Ruth to Boaz, in the book of Ruth. It is important to note that God does NOT bring the man to his wife. We are aware of quite a number of situations where a young Christian woman has believed, quite strongly, that a certain young man was to be her husband. Only the Lord knows if those impressions were correct. And certainly we are in no position to tell those young women that they did not hear from the Lord. In one case, there were not one but THREE young women who ALL told others, and at the same time period, that the SAME young man was to be their husband. Well, unless God is now in favor of bigamy, at least two of those three young women had to be wrong. In reality, NONE of the three married that young man. The Lord brought him a different woman to be his wife.
Now, is it possible for a man and a woman to get married when God did NOT bring the woman to the man? For unbelievers, we think the answer is definitely "yes." We tend to think that the answer is "yes" even for a Christian. We understand that God is sovereign, but if a man and/or a woman are out of the will of God, rebellious, and/or purely self- seeking, then they COULD get married when it was NOT God's perfect will for them. This is a very delicate situation and one which requires much wisdom from the Lord as to how to counsel such a couple, particularly if the couple later decides they want a divorce. This book basically ignores such a potentially disastrous liaison, and assumes that a Christian man and a Christian woman are making a reasonable attempt in their lives to please the Lord.
The love of a man for his wife should include caring, communication, companionship, trust, faithfulness, commitment, functioning, provision, and protection. But more than anything else, that love should signify giving ... a giving of his self to his wife ... an attitude or motivation that reflects a total lack of selfishness on his part. All of these same ten qualities are characteristic of the love of Christ for the Church. The verses below, perhaps the most quoted scriptures about love, clearly reflect the selflessness of true agape love.
Love is patient, love is kind, and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails; 1 Corinthians 13:4-8
(New American Standard translation)
Caring
Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you. 1 Peter 5:7
The husband should care for his wife in all areas: physical, emotional, and spiritual. Caring means being a good steward of the gifts which God has given to us. Caring means to look after, tend to, and cherish.
Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others. Philippians 2:4
Webster's Dictionary says that care is painstaking or watchful attention or regard coming from desire or esteem. Just as a good shepherd cares for his sheep, so likewise THE Good Shepherd, our Lord Jesus Christ, cares for HIS sheep. In like manner, the husband must care for his wife.
The Lord is my Shepherd; I shall not want. Psalm 23:1
Another important aspect concerning caring is:
Wherefore He is able also to save them to the uttermost that come unto God by Him, seeing He ever liveth to make intercession for them. Hebrews 7:25
In like manner, a man should pray for and with his wife daily.
Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered. 1 Peter 3:7And Isaac intreated the Lord for his wife, because she was barren: and the Lord was intreated of him, and Rebekah his wife conceived. Genesis 25:21
There is no greater prayer force than a husband and wife who are both rightly related to the Lord and to each other.
Again I say unto you, That if two of you shall agree on earth as touching any thing that they shall ask, it shall be done for them of my Father which is in heaven. Matthew 18:19
Job understood this principle of intercession, SOMEWHAT!
4 And his sons went and feasted in their houses, every one his day; and sent and called for their three sisters to eat and to drink with them.5 And it was so, when the days of their feasting were gone about, that Job sent and sanctified them, and rose up early in the morning, and offered burnt offerings according to the number of them all: for Job said, It may be that my sons have sinned, and cursed God in their hearts. Thus did Job continually. Job 1:4-5
So Job interceded for his seven sons (and by implication in Job 1:18-19, his three daughters) EVERY day. But NOWHERE in the book of Job do we find that Job interceded for his wife!!! Could that possibly explain why Job's wife said,
Dost thou still retain thine integrity? curse God and die. Job 2:10
Could Job have been bitter against his wife at that point? We wonder how Job would have felt if, at that point, someone had quoted to him the essence of the verse,
Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them. Colossians 3:19
Likewise the Spirit also helpeth our infirmities for we know not what we should pray for as we ought: but the Spirit itself maketh intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered. Romans 8:26
It is also important that a man pray in the Spirit, using the unknown language that the Lord has given to him. Many believers have seen some very dramatic events as a result of praying in tongues.
Not only should the husband care for his wife, he must also care for HIMSELF! This means that the husband should take good care of his natural, physical body as a good steward of the gifts of God.
18 Flee fornication. Every sin that a man doeth is without the body; but he that committeth fornication sinneth against his own body.19 What? know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost which is in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own?20 For ye are bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body, and in your spirit, which are God's. 1 Corinthians 6:18-20
The man should be diligent to eat nutritious food (with sufficient amounts of fiber), get an appropriate amount of exercise (such as brisk walking for 30-40 minutes a day or periodic swimming), and get sufficient sleep. We have found from experience that drinking two glasses of water every day before breakfast does wonders for our natural bodies. We should also eat sweets in moderation. This helps to keep excess weight off in our older years. Of course the man should NOT partake of harmful substances, such as smoking, drugs, or excess consumption of alcoholic beverages. If the husband neglects his physical body, before long his wife will have to take care of HIM!
Communication
Communication between any two people is not a trivial matter. This is because we have different backgrounds, different experiences, and different understandings of what a word means. In addition, we are all biased in different ways, usually unknown to ourselves. Furthermore, our psychological motivations at a given point in time, particularly a time of great stress, may greatly affect the words that we hear. Communication is more than just words. You must not only tell it like it is ... you must also hear it like it’s told! Many years ago I went into a nearby florist shop to pick up some flowers for my wife. A young woman, who had on a large neck brace, waited on me. Before I left I asked her if I could pray for her neck. She responded, "Oh no, I hope not!" Somewhat taken by surprise, I just nodded, turned around, and left the shop. Before I got 10 steps out of the shop, I said to myself, "something is wrong here," so I turned around and went back into the shop. I said to the young woman, "I think perhaps you misunderstood what I just asked you. I asked you if I could pray for your neck." She quickly responded, "Oh, I thought you asked me if I was going to need surgery on my neck." Then she quickly asked me to please pray for her neck, which I did. She had been so worried that she might need to have surgery on her neck that she could not hear anything I had said. There was no communication until I tried the second time. I do not know if that young woman was a Christian or not, but I have had similar experiences with people I KNEW were Christians!
But to do good and to communicate forget not: for with such sacrifices God is well pleased. Hebrews 13:16Better is open rebuke than love that is concealed. Proverbs 27:5
(New American Standard translation)17 Charge them that are rich in this world ...18 That they do good, that they be rich in good works, ready to distribute, willing to communicate; 1 Timothy 6:17-18
A sound husband and wife relationship is impossible apart from good communication. Lack of communication may be a major missing ingredient in the relationship between husband and wife. It is IMPERATIVE for a husband and wife to talk to each other openly and honestly. A husband needs to TELL his wife that he loves her! More importantly, a husband needs to SHOW his wife that he loves her. Moreover, the husband, in his communication with his wife, should PRAISE his wife, NOT criticize her! In almost all of Paul's epistles, Paul starts with something positive to say to the Church. This is particularly true of the first epistle to the Corinthians, which is primarily a letter of correction.
28 Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her.30 Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the Lord, she shall be praised. Proverbs 31-28, 30Death and life are in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof. Proverbs 18:21
The husband should also be very careful with the language that he uses to communicate as well as the TONE of his voice, which always should be gentle and kind.
Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers. Ephesians 4:2934 But I say unto you, Swear not at all ...37 But let your communication be, Yea, yea; Nay, nay, for whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil. Matthew 5:34, 37
Companionship
Because the Lord hath been witness between thee and the wife of thy youth, against whom thou hast dealt treacherously: yet is she thy companion, and the wife of thy covenant. Malachi 2:14
It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him. Genesis 2:18
Companionship is the fellowship which exists between companions, and certainly between husband and wife. It means that you are associates as well as friends and that you enjoy each other's company. It means that you just enjoy being with, talking with, and doing things together. A man and his wife should be best friends, just as we as believers should be a friend of God.
... Abraham believed God, and it was imputed unto him for righteousness: and he was called the Friend of God. James 2:23
Trust
5 Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.6 In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths. Proverbs 3:5-6
Without trust, a marriage is doomed to failure. In March of 1999, my wife asked me if it would be agreeable with me if she went to visit an old girl friend of hers in Florida. She knew that I could not go because I had to work. I quickly gave her my blessing. She went and had a good time. She told me, after she returned from Florida, that one evening she had gone out to dinner with the boy friend of her girl friend ... alone. The girl friend had to work. That did not bother me for one second because over the years both my wife and I have come to trust each other ... unconditionally. But one word of caution here. It may take years to build up such a level of trust between a husband and his wife. It only takes ONE incident to completely destroy that trust.
10 Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies.11 The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil. Proverbs 31:10-11
Faithfulness
Thy mercy, O Lord, is in the heavens; and Thy faithfulness reacheth unto the clouds. Psalm 36:522 It is of the Lord's mercies that we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not.23 They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness. Lamentations 3:22-23
To be faithful means to be full of faith. It means being loyal, conscientious, or firm in adherence to promises or in observance of duty. When a man and his wife are married, they normally take a vow that they will keep themselves only unto their spouse as long as they both shall live. To break that vow by being unfaithful in the form of adultery or in any other way, is a very serious breach of promise, but one which seems to be taken very lightly in the world today.
4 When thou vowest a vow unto God, defer not to pay it; for He hath no pleasure in fools: pay that which thou hast vowed.5 Better it is that thou shouldest not vow, than that thou shouldest vow and not pay. Ecclesiastes 5:4-5
When a man makes a vow to his bride, he is, in effect making a vow to God. He is acknowledging that God has brought his bride to him to be his wife. He is acknowledging that his wife is a gift from God to him.
Commitment
Commit thy way unto the Lord; trust also in Him; and he shall bring it to pass. Psalm 37:5And the things that thou hast heard of me among many witnesses, the same commit thou to faithful men, who shall be able to teach others also. 2 Timothy 2:2O Timothy, keep that which is committed to thy trust ... 1 Timothy 6:20
Commitment is an agreement or pledge between two or more persons ... in our case between a husband and his wife. It is a free choice of will to be obligated or emotionally impelled to carry out an agreement. As far as God is concerned, marriage between a man and a woman is a life-time commitment, not to be entered into lightly, and even less to be broken lightly.
Functioning
A part of a man loving his wife must be reflected in the man functioning in the place where he has been called. This contributes greatly to the well-being of the wife. The function is both in the natural realm (such as providing a reasonable living by working at some job) and in the spiritual realm. However, separating the natural from the spiritual is not a simple task because God is interested in whatever we do. When God is pleased with the walk of a Christian man, then his wife and family will be greatly blessed by the Lord. So it is by the husband functioning in that place that God has called him that his wife will be blessed. On November 4, 1977, I wrote in my Bible a word that I heard from the Lord: "It is the fear of man that hinders the body of Christ from functioning; but it is the fear of God that compels us to function."
Early one Sunday morning in June of 1976, the Lord woke me up and told me to go downstairs and start reading the "restoration" books in the Old Testament (Ezra, Nehemiah, Haggai, Daniel, Zechariah). No one else was awake in our house at the time. I sat on the sofa in our living room and began to read. When I read Ezra 6:14, I heard the most powerful word I have ever heard from the Lord.
And the elders of the Jews builded, and they prospered through the prophesying of Haggai the prophet and Zechariah the son of Iddo. Ezra 6:14
Now that verse probably meant very little to any of you who just read it. But when I read that verse, it was like I was hit with a sledgehammer. There was no audible voice, no emotion, no noise of any kind, no lightning, just an enormous word from the Lord. I heard three words from the Lord as I read that verse. The first was, "If you (me) want to see the body of Christ prosper, then you function in that place where I have called you." Well at that point in time I had been a "functioning" elder in a New Testament house church for about seven years. I have never seen anything like that particular house church, before or since. We had EVERY gift and EVERY ministry in operation. I personally saw a word of knowledge and a word of wisdom flow almost like water from a faucet when you turn it on. And at that point in time I had preached, taught, counseled, prophesied, and any thing else you can think of for at least seven years. If anyone had lined up EVERY believer that I knew at that point in time and they ALL told me I was not functioning, I would NEVER have believed it. But when the Lord distinctly gave me that word in June of 1976, I KNEW it was from Him and I KNEW it was truth. Immediately after the Lord spoke that word to me, I felt NO condemnation, just conviction. The second word I heard from the Lord was that the Lord had given me the power to walk in the place that He had called me. The third word was I sensed the love of God. The house church of which we were a part was meeting at that time in a school about 7 blocks from where we lived (and still live). As I walked up to the elders' meeting that Sunday morning, I was very aware that each time my feet hit the sidewalk, they made a powerful sound. A few men said that they saw a distinct change in my (outward) ministry after that word came to me.
BUT, I have learned over the years that my understanding of that most powerful word was somewhat flawed. I had interpreted the word in terms of my DOING things and SAYING things to fulfill the ministry and gifts that the Lord had given to me. In reality, and hindsight, that was only a PART of the picture, and perhaps not even the most important part. For in my zeal to minister to the body of Christ, I neglected a higher priority ... ministry to my wife and children. In addition, I was not too finely tuned to the FRUIT of the Spirit being formed within me. Let me make this VERY clear ...
(For if a man know not how to rule his own house, how shall he take care for the Church of God?) 1 Timothy 3:1
Moreover, at that point in time, in hindsight, I really had NO idea how to love my wife as Christ loved the Church. It was just a verse that I could agree with in my mind, but which was not at all a word made flesh within me. I have also learned since that time that I lacked compassion in my life for other people. I am very thankful that within the past few years the Lord has given to me BOTH a very deep love for my wife (which I cannot begin to describe) AND a genuine compassion for those in need. So now I believe I can say, with reasonable accuracy, that what the Lord is after in terms of a man "functioning" in that place in which he has been called is to:
(1) love the Lord with all of your being,(2) earnestly seek for and allow the Holy Spirit to develop the fruit of the Spirit in your life(3) love your wife as Christ loved the Church,(4) minister to your wife and children, and(5) minister to the body of Christ (and to unbelievers, as the Spirit leads) using whatever gifts and ministries the Lord has given to you.
Provision
The husband should provide for his wife in all areas: physical, emotional, and spiritual. When Abraham was prepared to offer up his only son Isaac, whom he loved, God sovereignly intervened. This is Jehovah-Jireh, our Provider.
And Abraham said, My son, God will provide Himself a lamb for the burnt offering: Genesis 22:8And he said unto him, Son, thou art ever with me, and all that I have is thine.
Luke 15:31
As the verse in Luke 15:31 states, providing is a way of life, an attitude, a philosophy that whatever I am or have received from the Lord I want to freely share with my wife. "Pre-nuptial agreements" have no place in the life of a Christian husband and wife. Part of the love of a man for his wife includes his provision for her natural, material needs. The man should be diligent to provide financial support for the family, as the Lord opens up the appropriate doors. We see no problem with the use of credit cards, PROVIDED the man controls the credit card and the credit card does not control the man. In other words, we strongly suggest that if you use credit cards that you pay the full amount each statement without accruing the horrendous fees and interest that credit card companies charge. We MUST learn to live within our means!
But if any provide not for his own, and specially for those of his own house, he hath denied the faith, and is worse than an infidel. 1 Timothy 5:8... if any would not work, neither should he eat. 2 Thessalonians 3:10
In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread ... Genesis 3:19
He also that is slothful in his work is brother to him that is a great waster.
Proverbs 18:9
God ordained for the man to be the breadwinner in the family.
Protection
22 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.23 For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the Church: and he is the saviour of the body. Ephesians 5:22-23
The Greek word translated as "saviour" in Ephesians 5:23 comes from the root word sozo, which can also be interpreted as "protect, or make whole." As we have previously said, in a very real sense the husband is the saviour (protector) of the ONE body formed by husband and wife.
This whole area of protection is somewhat of a mystery because there is so much in the spiritual realm, but this is an area that the Lord will reveal more completely if we seek Him. (See Chapter 6 for more on this topic.)
Giving
For God so loved the world that he gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in Him should not perish but have everlasting life. John 3:16
It is more blessed to give than to receive. Acts 20:35
The husband, above all else, must give of himself to his wife. The man must give to his wife everything that he is and has, such that the two become one.
We reiterate our firm belief that selfishness is the root cause of most divorces. This selfishness may manifest itself in many ways, but the ax must be laid to the root of the tree. As indicated in John 3:16, God gave not what man wanted, but what man needed as God perceived his need, namely His Son who brought forgiveness to man. God's love for man is His doing what He knows is best for man and not what man desires. It is God's willful direction toward man. But for man to show love to God, he must first appropriate God's agape, for only God has such unselfish love.
Now let us take this necessity of giving one more step. The love of a man for his wife must be giving to the point of being sacrificial.
He that spared not His own Son, but delivered Him up for us all, how shall He not with Him also freely give us all things? Romans 8:322 And he saw also a certain poor widow casting in thither two mites.3 And He said, Of a truth I say unto you, that this poor widow hath cast in more than they all;
4 For all these have of their abundance cast in unto the offerings of God: but she of her penury hath cast in all the living that she had. Luke 21:2-4
Perhaps the prime example of sacrificial love for God on the part of any person (other than Jesus) was Abraham. In Genesis 22, Abraham was prepared to sacrifice his only son, Isaac (Genesis 22:16). As a result, God greatly blessed Abraham. But in like manner, we as Christian men should be willing, in our hearts, to lay down our life for our wife.
Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.
John 15:13
Some Practical Guidelines
Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the Lord. Proverbs 18:22
There are at least three keys to the love between a man and his wife: enjoyment or pleasure, moderation, and perspective. These three keys apply to every aspect of marriage, including sexual relationships.
Enjoyment or Pleasure
Charge them that are rich in this world, that they be not high-minded, nor trust in uncertain riches, but in the living God, who giveth us richly all things to enjoy. 1 Timothy 6:17
Until the Lord hath given your brethren rest, as He hath given you, and they also have possessed the land which the Lord your God giveth them: then shall ye return unto the land of your possession and enjoy it, which Moses the Lord's servant gave you on this side Jordan toward the sunrising. Joshua 1:15Every man also to whom God hath given riches and wealth, and hath given him power to eat thereof, and to take his portion, and to rejoice in his labor; this is the gift of God. Ecclesiastes 5:19
They shall not build, and another inhabit; they shall not plant, and another eat: for as the days of a tree are the days of my people, and mine elect shall long enjoy the work of their hands. Isaiah 65:22Therefore Sarah laughed within herself, saying, After I am waxed old shall I have pleasure, my lord being old also? Genesis 18:12
Let us be very clear on this next point. We find NO place in scripture that says that it is evil or wrong or not Christ-like to enjoy pleasure, except as noted below. Consider the following verses:
Traitors, heady, high-minded, lovers of pleasures more than lovers of God; 2 Timothy 3:4Choosing rather to suffer affliction with the people of God, than to enjoy the pleasures of sin for a season. Hebrews 11:25
What the scripture DOES say is that it is wrong to love pleasure more than the Lord Himself and it is also wrong to love the pleasures of sin. In other words, we must exercise moderation in all that we do, giving God the preeminence in all things, including those that appear to be of the more natural realm (but which are still given by God).
All that God created was pronounced by Him as being “good.” We believe that sex is (1) designed by God; (2) designed to be desirable; (3) defended throughout the Bible. However, in some instances it may be depraved, a result of man’s mishandling of his God-given privileges and pleasures. Sex is meant to be God-glorifying, edifying, and pleasurable.
Some Christians believe that sexual relationships between a husband and his wife are limited to the sole purpose of bearing children. We do not agree. We believe that Christians are NOT called to a life of lack of emotions or a lack of "natural" enjoyment and pleasures. Scripture is clear in general about the sexual relationship of a man and his wife. However the Bible is silent about specifics in sexual relationships between a husband and his wife. Therefore this area involves a personal decision and each couple must seek the Lord individually in terms of those specifics. I once heard a noted Christian teacher say that preachers should keep their nose out of matters concerning which the Bible has nothing to say. One guideline is that there should be freedom as long as it is not merely for one’s own satisfaction, with the disapproval of the other. Another guideline is whether or not you sense the peace of God in your actions. God has NOT called us to bondage but to peace (1 Corinthians 7:15). Redemption affects the whole man, including his sexuality. As long as expressions of mutual affection between the partners are self-sacrificing and intended to lead to the sexual fulfillment and pleasure of the other, they are not to be frowned upon or disapproved. The criteria in every relationship is what effect the action has on their mutual relationship. Anything that is damaging to either partner, or which offends the integrity of either party (physically, morally, or spiritually) is subject to question. But don’t let Satan rob you of your God-given sexual pleasures in marriage. Satan’s primary tool of assault is guilt.
In 1985, my wife and I had the best "vacation" we have ever had. It was a one-month trip to Scandinavia. The reason the trip was so good was because the Lord was in the trip all the way. He showed and taught us much on that trip. We stayed in a number of bed and breakfast houses and in a number of private homes. We NEVER saw a double bed (or larger). We only saw single beds. In Denmark in particular, where there was rampant immorality, the Lord quickened to us that the people had lost whatever relationship they may have had to the Lord and had lost the joy of marriage. The two are related. We also saw an inordinate number of men who walked with a limp and an inordinate number of women who dressed, walked, and acted like men. The Lord strongly impressed upon us that this was because the men had abdicated their God-given relationship with their wives. The women, feeling starved for true love, consequently began to assume the role of the man in the family. None of these conditions would exist if we men loved our wives as Christ loved the Church.
25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the Church, and gave Himself for it;26 That He might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word,27 That He might present it to Himself a glorious Church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish.28 So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.29 For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the Church:30 For we are members of His body, of His flesh, and of His bones.31 For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh.32 This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the Church.33 Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband. Ephesians 5:25-33
The word "love" (agapao) occurs three times in the above verses (in verses 25, 28, and 33). The sexual relationship between husband and wife should be based on that love and should produce mutual edification, peace, and pleasure. Otherwise it becomes only an animalistic instinct.
Let us consider our "natural" senses. Who among us believes it is "wrong" to enjoy seeing a beautiful sunset, majestic mountains, or lovely flowers? God gave us our sight! God also gave us taste buds with which we can experience pleasure by eating good food. Is it "wrong" to enjoy eating food that is well-prepared? How about our sense of smell? Is it "wrong" to enjoy the sweet smell of flowers, the scent of perfume on our wife, newly-mown grass, or any of a myriad of other examples? What about the sense of hearing? Is it "wrong" to enjoy good Christian music? or good classical music, written by composers who knew the Lord? or a babbling mountain brook? Given all of these "natural" pleasures, freely given to us by God to "richly enjoy," does it really make sense that sexual relationships between husband and wife are unclean unless engaged in for the sole purpose of bearing children?
18 Let thy fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife of thy youth.19 Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love. Proverbs 5:18-19Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth: for thy love is better than wine.
Song of Solomon 1:2I know, and am persuaded by the Lord Jesus, that there is nothing unclean of itself: but to him that esteemeth any thing to be unclean, to him it is unclean.
Romans 14:14
In the light of the above verse, and others, do NOT let Satan “beat you up” or put a guilt trip on you for enjoying sex with your spouse. In addition, consider
24 Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.25 And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.
Genesis 2:24-25
Have you ever wondered why Adam and Eve were both naked and were not ashamed but now we all wear clothes? Originally, there were no other people except Adam and Eve, and they saw nothing wrong with being naked and had no shame. Are you ashamed of your body when you take a shower or bath, alone? Probably not. God made your body so what is there to be ashamed of? There was no shame before sin entered the world. It was only after Adam and Eve sinned that they became self-conscious of their naked bodies (Genesis 3:7,10,21). Should people wear clothes today? Most definitely! Why? Because only a husband and wife should see each other’s body. Seeing your body is off limits to everyone except your spouse. We believe that it is God's plan for intimate, sexual joys and pleasures to be fulfilled, but ONLY within the bonds of marriage, and there without shame. Because of the oneness and intimacy of husband and wife and because there should be no shame, a married couple might even consider making love with a light on so that each one can see the face of the other.
1 Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote unto me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman.2 Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband.3 Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband.4 The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife.5 Defraud ye not one the other except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency. 1 Corinthians 7:1-5
Sexual intercourse should never be withheld as punishment, nor given as reward. Further,
Marriage is honourable in all and the bed undefiled. Hebrews 13:4
The above verse is not a statement of fact but an exhortation. “Let marriage be honourable in all ...” Each couple must seek the Lord and talk with each other, openly and without shame, to determine what specifically is honorable for them in terms of their sexual relationship.
The typical wife does not understand her husband’s deep need for sex any more than the typical husband understands his wife’s deep need for affection. When a man chooses a wife, he promises to remain faithful to her for life. He makes this commitment because he trusts the Lord and assumes that she will be as sexually interested in him as he is in her. He trusts her to meet his sexual needs just as she trusts him to meet her needs for affection.
A man usually cannot achieve sexual fulfillment in his marriage unless his wife is sexually fulfilled as well. A woman does her husband no favors by simply sacrificing her body to his sexual advances. He can feel sexually satisfied only when she joins him in the experience of lovemaking. Therefore, achieving sexual compatibility involves two important steps:
1. Overcome your sexual ignorance. A husband and wife must each understand their own sexuality and their own sexual responses.2. Communicate your sexual understanding to each other. A husband and wife must learn how to share what they have learned about their own sexual responses, so that they can each achieve sexual pleasure and fulfillment together.
Most men can become aroused in a variety of ways, but the predominant way is by visual means. Men have a God-given pleasure in beholding the beauty of a woman’s body. We can see how Satan plays on this aspect. Even David was tempted and succumbed through beholding Bathsheba as she bathed. The average woman is aroused more through a matter of mindset than the result of any stimulation, visual or otherwise. She needs to sense her husband’s love and affection. Qualities like affection, attentiveness, warmth of personality, kindness, and tender sensitivity do more to arouse her than any special technique a man may develop. A man with these qualities makes his wife feel that he understands her and has chosen to care for her. A man can do much to arouse or suppress his wife’s sexual feelings by the way he touches her. His embrace, his kiss, and his caress must convey tender attentiveness and special caring.
The man interested only in satisfying his hunger for sex molests his wife more than anything else, because his technique is insensitive to her feelings. He uses his wife’s body for his own pleasure while she gets more and more frustrated. For the wife to enjoy sex she will need help from her husband. If he does not give her the attention and tenderness she needs, she will feel that he is insensitive and uncaring. This principle of reciprocity should be applied throughout all aspects of a marriage. It is difficult to enjoy your part of a marriage if your spouse doesn’t enjoy his or her part. If you care about your spouse, you will not use or deny your spouse out of selfishness or ignorance.
NOTE: If you run into serious problems in this area in your marriage, the FIRST thing that you as a married couple need to do is pray, pray, pray, and ask the Lord for His help. The Lord may direct you for counseling with an older couple in Christ who have been married for many years and appear to have a very solid marriage.
Moderation
Let your moderation be known unto all men. The Lord is at hand. Philippians 4:5
What DOES make sense is that we can abuse or overuse ANY of the God-given pleasures which He has so graciously given to us. Eating good food and enjoying it is fine. OVER-eating is not fine. It will usually give us a stomach ache ... a gentle reminder from the Lord to use moderation. A little salt and a little pepper is good. Too much of either may make the food unpalatable! Looking at beautiful scenery, listening to inspiring music, or smelling sweet aromas is fine. But we don't do that ALL day long and thereby neglect our responsibilities! Likewise, sexual relationships were designed by God Himself to be pleasurable, but are not to be abused or overused and are to be confined to marriage.
but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge. Hebrews 13:4
Perspective
37 Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind.38 This is the first and great commandment.39 And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself.40 On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets.
Matthew 22:37-40But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and His righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you. Matthew 6:33And another said, I have married a wife, and therefore I cannot come. Luke 14:20
The latter verse illustrates how a man can lose sight of perspective. Those who have excuses will be forbidden to partake of the marriage supper of the Lord. A man's first priority must always be to the Lord Himself. But among all other people on earth, a man's first priority is to his wife. Abraham presents a good example of this, in his relationship to Sarah.
And Sarai said unto Abram, Behold now, the Lord hath restrained me from bearing: I pray thee, go in unto my maid; it may be that I may obtain children by her. And Abram hearkened to the voice of Sarai. Genesis 16:2And God said unto Abraham, Let it not be grievous in thy sight because of the lad, and because of thy bondwoman; in all that Sarah hath said unto thee, hearken unto her voice; for in Isaac shall thy seed be called. Genesis 21:12
In the time period between Genesis 16:2 and Genesis 21:12, both Sarah and Abraham had learned some things. They were now more spiritually mature. In Genesis 16, their names were Sarai and Abram; in Genesis 21:12, they had been renamed Sarah and Abraham. Abraham had learned not to accept, superficially, anything that his wife told him, without first hearing from the Lord. So it is today. A husband should listen carefully and joyfully to anything that his wife has to say concerning situations that require a decision. But the husband should never abdicate his position as head of the family (Ephesians 5:23). The husband MUST take EVERYTHING of any consequence to the Lord and hear what the Lord says for them to do. As with anything else, we are expected to exercise common sense and not go overboard. For example, we do not believe that the Lord cares whether we put mayonnaise or mustard on the bread first when making a sandwich!
Sarah had also learned some things over time. She had acquired more wisdom from the Lord. We also believe that Sarah had come to realize her "mistake" in pushing Hagar onto Abraham, with the resulting offspring of Ishmael. That which she originally desired (which resulted in Ishmael), she now could not accept. So Sarah said, "cast out this bondwoman and her son: for the son of this bondwoman shall not be heir with my son, even with Isaac" (Genesis 21:10). Sarah undoubtedly had received a revelation from the Lord, for the Lord told Abraham to hearken to Sarah his wife in that situation.
Whatsoever He saith unto you, do it. John 2:5
This is a cornerstone of Christianity! We MUST hear the voice of the Lord for ourselves and then act upon that word, by faith.
Another tremendous example of perspective is provided by the life and loves of Jacob. Scripture is quite clear that Jacob, just like Abraham, learned about the ways of the Lord through experience ... the hard way. We will only touch on a few high points in the life and loves of Jacob, but there is MUCH for us to learn through his life. (The lives of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob are RICH in object lessons which are profitable for all Christians. This is the topic of Volume 2: In The Beginning.)
Jacob married the two daughters of Laban, Leah and Rachel. Leah was tender eyed, but Rachel was beautiful and well favored. Leah means weary or tired; Rachel comes from an unused root meaning to journey. Jacob loved Rachel more than Leah (Genesis 29:30). The seven additional years that Jacob served for Rachel "seemed unto him but a few days, for the love he had to her" (Genesis 29:20). "When the Lord saw that Leah was hated, He opened her womb: but Rachel was barren" (Genesis 29:31). Leah and Rachel were clearly in competition with each other for Jacob's love. Leah envied her sister Rachel's beauty and favor with Jacob. Rachel envied the ability of Leah to have children with Jacob. Jacob, himself, still had a lot to learn. When Rachel complained to Jacob and told him to "give me children, or else I die" (Genesis 30:1), Jacob became angry with Rachel and responded that it was God's fault, not his, that Rachel did not have children. That, of course, was not correct. Rachel was barren because God wanted to work something within Jacob. God is no respecter of persons, but Jacob had shown immense partiality toward Rachel. Further, we find NO scripture that says that Jacob intreated the Lord on behalf of his wife, Rachel, so that she might have children. Apparently, Jacob had not learned from his father, Isaac, who DID pray for his wife, Rebekah, who was barren, and which resulted in Jacob's existence!
Rachel tried TWO substitutes ... both the work of the flesh. Neither substitute worked because God would not allow it. First, Rachel gave her handmaid, Bilhah, to Jacob to raise up children (in the same spirit that Sarai gave Hagar to Abram, resulting in Ishmael). Well Jacob in fact did sire two sons with Bilhah, but that really did not satisfy Rachel.
Secondly, there came a day when Reuben, Jacob's first born (through Leah), went out and found mandrakes in the field (Genesis 30:14) and brought them to his mother Leah. When Rachel saw the mandrakes, she made a trade with Leah. In exchange for the mandrakes, Rachel told Leah that she could lie with Jacob that night. (Evidently, conjugal "rights" were normally reserved for Rachel.) A mandrake is a Mediterranean herb ... formerly used to promote conception. Of course, Rachel was desperate for children by this time, so she was eager to try anything. Well, if the dates recorded in my Bible are correct, the mandrakes did not work either. Rachel was still barren for another three years after trying to get pregnant by using the mandrakes. (The Arabic interpretation for the word translated as mandrakes is "apples of Satan." The enemy tempts us by focusing our attention on works of the flesh.) We think that Rachel probably finally "let go and let God." Three years later, after Rachel stopped her fleshly attempts, God remembered Rachel and she conceived and bare Joseph.
About six years later, the Lord told Jacob to leave the land of Laban and to return unto the land of his kindred, his father Isaac and his brother Esau, in Canaan (Genesis 31:13). So Jacob, in obedience to God, started his journey. After Jacob arrived in Canaan, his journey was not over. He pitched his tent in Succoth and later in Shechem. In Genesis 32 we read of how Jacob wrestled with a "Man" at Bethel, and the Lord changed Jacob's name to Israel. Jacob then journeyed on toward Ephrath (Bethlehem). Before they got to Ephrath, Rachel had her second son, Benjamin, but she died during childbirth.
18 And it came to pass, as her [Rachel's] soul was in departing, (for she died) that she called his name Benoni: but his father called him Benjamin.19 And Rachel died, and was buried in the way to Ephrath, which is Bethlehem. Genesis 35:18-19
Benoni means "the son of my sorrow"; Benjamin means "the son of my right hand." The "right hand" in scripture refers to a place of honor. The "left hand" usually refers to some work of the flesh.
Then shall the King say unto them on His right hand, Come, ye blessed of my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world: Matthew 25:34
So Jacob honored his wife, Rachel, one last time by naming their son Benjamin, the son of his right hand. Jacob recognized Rachel as being his right hand, his help meet for him, given to him by the Lord. Jacob fulfilled the spirit of the word later to be written through Peter to "give honor to his wife" (1 Peter 3:7).
Rachel apparently never saw the ways of God ... she only saw His acts ... and she could only see the sorrow in her life. She also never arrived at the final destination. But by this time, Jacob (now Israel), began to understand the ways of God. He had learned what God was after. Perhaps the most striking illustration of Jacob coming to maturity is what Jacob did after Rachel died.
20 And Jacob set a pillar upon her grave: that is the pillar or Rachel's grave unto this day.21 And Israel JOURNEYED, ... Genesis 35:20-21
Jacob had always loved Rachel VERY DEEPLY, from the time that he first saw her. She was the love of his life! But when Rachel died, Jacob could have blamed God and thereby died spiritually or could have felt sorry for himself indefinitely and thereby stagnated spiritually. Instead, Israel (NOT Jacob) JOURNEYED ON, in obedience to the Lord! Jacob had learned perspective in his life.
But the Lord was not through with Israel. Scripture is quiet concerning what happened to the relationship of Israel and Leah after Rachel died. Jacob died about 40 years after Rachel died. We know that Leah died before Jacob died but after Rachel died. Just before his death, Israel prophesied over his sons and gave instructions for his burial. Israel told his sons to bury him in the family burying place of Machpelah. Israel said,
There they buried Abraham and Sarah his wife; there they buried Isaac and Rebekah his wife; and there I buried Leah. Genesis 49:31
What a message! What an object lesson! Israel had buried Leah in the place where he wanted to be buried. Israel did NOT ask to be buried along side of Rachel! Only a JACOB would have asked to be buried with Rachel! Israel had learned of the sovereignty of God! He had finally seen that he was to love and honor Leah just as much as Rachel. Perhaps because he looked back on his life and saw that he had NOT loved Leah the way that he should have, he greatly honored Leah by being buried with HER, not Rachel. Israel had learned the TRUTH of a word to be spoken some 375 years later to Boaz, “The Lord make the woman that is come into thine house like Rachel and like Leah, which two did build the house of Israel” (Ruth 4:11). Israel (not Jacob) finally saw the importance of both Rachel and Leah in his life. He had learned to trust in the Lord in ALL things! He recognized and accepted the sovereignty of God. He had learned perspective!
The Simplicity of Implementation
But I fear, lest by any means, as the serpent beguiled Eve through his subtlety, so your minds should be corrupted from the simplicity that is in Christ.
2 Corinthians 11:3But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, ... Galatians 5:22
Make no mistake! NO MAN truly can love his wife as Christ loved the Church UNLESS he first appropriates that unselfish agape love of God in his heart. It is God's work within us, not by our own efforts! Man's natural, fleshly attempts to love his wife may LOOK the same outwardly (for a season), but sooner or later that kind of love must break down. God will not allow any fleshly approach to fulfill His kingdom purposes. Love is the first fruit of the Spirit mentioned in Galatians 5:22. In addition, love (translated charity in the King James' version) in 1 Corinthians 13 is said to be greater than faith or hope. It is very important to understand that love is the fruit of the Holy Spirit, not the fruit of our own efforts!
There are several keys for a man to appropriate this agape love for his wife:(1) vision ... see the need for the man to love himself(2) ask the Lord to set him free to love himself(3) see a NEED for a man to love his wife as Christ loved the Church(4) ask the Lord to make His agape love for his wife real within his life(5) hear what the Lord specifically says to the man as to how to bring about that love(6) be obedient to whatever the Lord tells you(7) accept by faith that the Holy Spirit is indeed working within you His agape love, UNTIL(8) the word becomes flesh within us.
The man first of all must see the need to love himself. Not all people love themselves. Some believe they are too tall or too short; too fat or too thin; their nose is too big; their ears stick out too much; their feet are too big; they are too shy; not very attractive; and any of a myriad of other things. Such thoughts are really an insult to God! There are no accidents, no chance events, no coincidences, no such thing as "luck" in the house of God. God made us all to be unique. God did NOT make ANY mistakes when he created you. He has not made any mistakes in allowing the events of your life to be unfolded. He made you just the way you are for His own special plan and purpose and for His own pleasure. You cannot improve upon whatever God does. His way is PERFECT! If God loves you just the way He made you, who are you to complain? How do you improve upon perfection? You are SPECIAL in God's sight!
As for God, His way is perfect ... 2 Samuel 22:31He hath made every thing beautiful in his time. Ecclesiastes 3:11
The first step toward appropriating God's agape love is that I need to love myself just the way God made me and to accept all of the events that God has allowed to come into my life. I need to understand God's ways ... not just His acts. For until the man (husband) loves HIMSELF, he CANNOT love his wife as Christ loved the Church.
28 So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.29 For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the Church. Ephesians 5:28-29
After a man can love himself as God loves him, a man needs to see the NEED to love his wife, even as Christ loved the Church. At this point, our motivation or attitude is CRITICAL. If my motivation is simply to get something for myself, then I do not yet understand the Christian walk. One good reason for a man loving his wife as Christ loves the Church is because it is a COMMANDMENT. But this can gender a legalistic approach. The higher level motivation is to glorify God ... to bring Him glory in everything we are, say, or do.
Then we need to ask the Lord to work His love within us by His Spirit so that we might indeed love our wives as He loves the Church. Ask the Lord to fan the flame of desire in your heart ... a desire to please the Lord in all things. For we were created for HIS pleasure! At that point we have to be obedient to those things that the Lord shows us, and then accept by faith the inwrought work of God.
After my grandmother went home to be with the Lord, I read one of her many words of wisdom that she had written in one of her bibles. She prayed, "Lord, let me create hunger in their hearts, for until they hunger, they cannot be fed." In general, no person desires to eat natural food unless they are hungry. Likewise in the realm of the spirit, until we see a need for something or someone in our lives, we tend NOT to seek after that something or someone.
After vision comes HEARING. This order, vision first, followed by hearing, is scriptural as well as natural. We SEE lightning before we hear the thunder that accompanies it. The speed of light is far greater than the speed of sound. Plus, in EVERY verse in the Bible (except one, which we will not take the time now to explain), vision ALWAYS precedes hearing; e.g.,
Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love Him. 1 Corinthians 1:9
Once we hear the word of the Lord, we need to be obedient and act upon that word by faith. For "without faith it is impossible to please Him ..." (Hebrews 11:6).
We have also a more sure word of prophecy; whereunto ye do well that ye take heed, as unto a light that shineth in a dark place, until the day dawn and the day star arise in your hearts: 2 Peter 1:19
The word of God must become flesh within us. The day star must arise in our hearts. The key word in 2 Peter 1:19 is the word "until." Too many Christians are simply taking heed, taking heed, and taking heed ... going around the same mountain over and over, never seeing God's purpose in His dealings with us, never understanding His ways. That is Judaism ... or legalism. But what God is after is "Christ in you, the hope of glory" (Colossians 1:27).
What happens as a result of a man allowing the Holy Spirit to work within him the same love of his wife as the love of Christ for the Church? First of all this is well pleasing to the Lord and gives the glory to Him. This should be our primary motivation in all things ... to glorify God.
But there are direct and indirect benefits and blessings to the man, his wife, any children, other believers, and even to unbelievers. Please note, however, if my motivation is simply to receive the benefits and blessings, then NONE of the following applies! The Lord knows our hearts. But if a man is rightly related to the Lord and to his wife, then
1 Blessed is every one that feareth the Lord; that walketh in His ways.2 For thou shalt eat the labour of thine hands: happy shalt thou be, and it shall be well with thee.3 Thy wife shall be as a fruitful vine by the sides of thine house: thy children like olive plants round about thy table.4 Behold, that thus shall the man be blessed that feareth the Lord.5 The Lord shall bless thee out of Zion: and thou shalt see all the days of thy life.6 Yea, thou shalt see thy children's children, and peace upon Israel. Psalm 128:1-6
Note the benefits and blessings to the man himself as stated in Psalm 128:1,2,4-6 above. A few may say that the results in Psalm 128 apply to a man that FEARS the Lord, which is the word used in Psalm 128:1 and 4. However, we believe that if a man loves the Lord with all of his heart, soul, mind, and strength, and loves his wife as Christ loves the Church, then that INCLUDES fearing the Lord. So Psalm 128 is VERY much appropriate to our topic. Note that the man is blessed by the Lord, is promised a long and prosperous life, to include seeing his grandchildren, and will experience the peace of God.
When a man loves his wife as Christ loves the Church, his wife KNOWS that love is genuine. Further, the wife shall be as a fruitful vine by the sides of thine house (Psalm 128:3). And she will experience the SAME peace, long life, and prosperity that the man does.
This love also provides a blessing and becomes a very powerful example to any children in the family. Children have a remarkable facility of detecting the genuine from the make-believe. Psalm 128:3 says that "thy children [shall be] like olive plants round about thy table." The olive tree was among the most abundant and characteristic vegetation of Judea. Olive plants are ever green and with promises of both long life and productivity. The vine and the olive tree are frequently paired in the Old Testament. Both are especially long-lived, and they produced the wine and the oil that played such a central part in the lives of the people. An olive leaf is the earliest that is mentioned by name, when the waters of the flood began to retire (Genesis 8:11). So the olive tree is the emblem of prosperity and Divine blessing.
But I am like a green olive tree in the house of God: I trust in the mercy of God for ever and ever. Psalm 52:8
Finally, with the later prophets, the olive tree is a symbol of beauty, luxuriance, and strength; e.g.,
His branches shall spread, and his beauty shall be as the olive tree, and his smell as Lebanon. Hosea 14:6
The man also becomes a tremendous example that the Lord will use to affect other people. A Christian man's genuine love for his wife becomes an inspiration to other Christian men. Such a man becomes an example to FOLLOW!
For I have given you an example, that ye should do as I have done to you.
John 13:15
The context of the above verse is when Jesus washed the feet of the twelve. But to reduce that act to a legalistic ritual of washing natural feet totally misses the mark. (See Chapter 8 of Volume 6: Discerning Things That Differ.)
This spake He, signifying by what death he should glorify God. And when He had spoken this, He saith unto him, Follow me. John 21:19Not because we have not power, but to make ourselves an ensample unto you to follow us. 2 Thessalonians 3:9
Finally, the world of unbelievers is STARVING to see real love. We are long past the stage when we can use WORDS to persuade unbelievers to accept Christ as their Lord and Savior. Unbelievers want to see the fruit of the Spirit (even though they do not know from whence that fruit comes).
Let no one look down on your youthfulness, but rather in speech, conduct, love, faith, and purity, show yourself an example of those who believe.
1 Timothy 4:12 (New American Standard translation)By this shall all men know that ye are My disciples, if ye have love one to another. John 13:35
We must note one final, but VERY IMPORTANT effect of implementation of a man loving his wife as Christ loves the Church. We need to be careful when we ask the Lord to make us an overcomer. He will give us something in that area to overcome! As the Lord is in the process of making the day star to arise in our hearts in a particular area, we will be TESTED! Be very sure that the Lord will bring about circumstances in your life which will test your new, deep love for your wife. The Lord knows how to tailor-make these testings just for each specific man. Expect such testings and ask the Lord to help you when they come. The end of the matter is better than the beginning!
Every man's work shall be made manifest: for the day shall declare it, because it shall be revealed by fire; and the fire shall try every man's work of what sort it is.
1 Corinthians 3:13Beloved, think it not strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you, as though some strange thing happened to you ... 1 Peter 4:12
Bob’s Personal Testimony
Some may ask me what right do I have to write about this particular topic? My answer is "NONE!" I have NO right to write about ANY topic. But the Lord has EVERY right to use me as He sees fit!
I grew up in a home where my parents were nominally Christian, in the sense that we went to church almost every Sunday. Only the Lord knows whether or not either of my parents actually knew the Lord. For as long as I can remember, we also lived with my grandparents on my mother’s side of the family. My grandfather sowed many wild oats, but undoubtedly was saved before he died. My grandmother was a real saint who always prayed for her children and grandchildren. However, if she told me about God’s wonderful plan for salvation, I never remember it. Both of my parents and my grandfather worked forty hours a week in order for our family to survive, so my grandmother was the “glue” of the family. My mother’s way of showing love was to buy everyone, including me, many gifts of various kinds, even though she really did not have the money to do so. I think she did not know how to love my father, much less me. In addition, she was a rather controlling type of woman who had to have her way. She probably did the best she could, but she just did not have the love and wisdom of the Lord. As a result, I also grew up with no real direction in my life. Neither did I know what love was. As a result, I was basically an emotional cripple for the first thirty-six years of my life. By the time I was 27, I knew there was something missing in my life, but I really did not know what it was. So I decided to get married, thinking that might be my answer. But that only made things worse, for I was still very self-centered and enjoyed doing my own thing. During our nine difficult years of marriage, there were two occasions when my wife told me that she was going to divorce me. On the second occasion, I knew she meant it, so I said, “Let me go talk to the minister of the Methodist Church where we are going.” Linda agreed. The Methodist minister agreed to meet with me in his office one evening. I literally told him, “I feel like my life is wasting away. Can you help me?” His answer literally was, “No I can’t. Why don’t you go talk with Sam Jones (not his real name).” Well I never went to talk with Sam, but a few weeks later the Lord sovereignly and dramatically apprehended me in an encounter somewhat similar to that of Paul the Apostle. Then things began to change.
For almost 40 years of marriage, 31 of which I had known the Lord (or rather had been apprehended by the Lord), my experience of loving my wife as Christ loves the Church was, in hindsight, strictly a word which I could agree with in my mind. But that word was not made flesh within me ... the day star had not arisen in my heart in that specific area. Oh, I was never a "bad" husband during that time period. After the Lord apprehended me, in 1967, I never "did" anything that people would consider "morally bad." But on November 22, 1998, I heard the most powerful, most anointed word I have ever heard through a human vessel. After hearing that word in person, I purchased two copies of a video tape of that same service. I have probably watched that video of the message "wounded healers" about 10 times. Each and EVERY time I have watched that video, I have ALWAYS cried. The speaker that day said that he did not know when he had EVER felt so anointed. I agree with him! The speaker also said that that morning was a "watershed" moment in the lives of some people who were present. He also said that "God is putting the knife to the heart." His message that day was a word of prophecy to me. Hindsight, I believe that the Lord used that word in my life to set me free to love myself ... to see myself as Christ sees me ... to lay aside once and forever all of the many wounds and hurts that I have experienced over the years of my life (none of which are profitable to mention) ... and to refuse to allow the past to define me. Prior to that Sunday morning on November 22, 1998, I THOUGHT that I was free of all past wounds and hurts. But the Lord knew better and the Lord is always in the business of doing a deeper work in our lives ... of "putting the knife to the heart." How did the Lord do that? I do not know!
The wind bloweth where it listeth, and thou hearest the sound thereof, but canst not tell whence it cometh, and whither it goeth: so is every one that is born of the Spirit. John 3:8
The man born blind in John, Chapter 9, said, after Jesus had opened his eyes,
Whether He be a sinner or no, I know not: one thing I know, that, whereas I was blind, now I see. John 9:25
All I know is that it was about that point in my life when the Lord gave me a very deep love for my wife ... a love that I cannot describe ... a love which I had never experienced before. Moreover, my wife KNEW something was different ... I did not have to tell her about it!
I would never be so presumptuous as to say that the Lord is through with me in this area! I am somewhat sorry to say that it seems like I NEVER asked the Lord to work this characteristic within me! It just seems to me to have been a sovereign work of God in my life. What amazing grace! I am POSITIVE that the Lord wants to challenge His people to set their sail in the proper Godly position so that the Holy Spirit can blow us into maturity. Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done, in earth (my earthly vessel) as it is in heaven.
Chapter 5: Aspects Pertaining To The Soul
Men and women differ in many ways and have different needs and desires. Women, as well as men, need to recognize these differences in the physical, emotional, and spiritual realms. But there is only ONE truth, not a spiritual truth and a secular truth. If a man really loves his wife, then he will want to know the needs of his wife and do all that he can, by the grace of God, to fulfill those needs. The same is true of the wife. She should understand her husband’s needs and seek the Lord for help in fulfilling his needs. Of course, the Lord ALWAYS must come first; but our greatest priority after the Lord is our spouse, not the Church. Scripture says that we people consist of body, soul, and spirit.
And I pray God your whole spirit and soul and body be preserved blameless unto the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. 1 Thessalonians 5:23
The spirit consists of three parts: conscience, intuition (or perception), and communion (that part of our spirit which is able, after being born again, to commune with God). The soul also consists of three parts: the mind (or intellect), will, and emotions (or feelings).
God has designed that our will be subject to His will. Jesus said,
Not My will, but Thine, be done. Luke 22:42
God also has designed our wills, which are to be subject to Him, to rule our intellects (mind) and our emotions (feelings). Men, in general, tend to allow their mind to override their will; this results in men being more analytical than women. Women tend to be more emotional than men. In both cases, we are wrong because our will must rule over both our mind and our emotions. To allow our lives to be dictated by our emotions is to break divine order and invite deception and trouble. Emotions are God-given and to be enjoyed. More often than not, God’s leading will be accompanied by the appropriate emotions, but they should accompany it, not overrule it. Strong emotional feelings for another person can be caused by many things other than the drawing of the Holy Spirit. Some examples are: (1) someone showing affection to us; (2) natural affinities, such as personality similarities or common interests; (3) sexual chemistry; and (4) spiritual closeness and fellowship (yes, really!). Christians should allow the Holy Spirit to guide relationships and not make decisions based solely on their emotions.
When you asked the Lord Jesus to come into your heart, it was based on a personal decision, an act of your will, not on your emotions or on your mind. We have been created with free choice or a free will. After we accept Jesus as our Savior, we still have free will. We can choose that which we want. God is not looking for a bunch of robots who have no choice and no will. Likewise, anyone who wants to move on in the Lord must make personal decisions. We have a free will to stop at any time and say, in effect, “No more, Lord.” Many Christians do not allow the baptism of the Holy Spirit to be a part of their life. That is based on a personal decision. There is a song called, “I have decided to follow Jesus.”
Bless the Lord, O my soul: and all that is within me bless His holy name.
Psalm 103:1
David in that Psalm is telling his soul to bless the Lord. There may be many times that you, like David, do not feel like blessing the Lord. You are too tired, people have done you “wrong,” or any of a myriad of things that Satan will bring against you to make you feel like you cannot bless the Lord. But those are the times when you must make a personal decision. You must exercise your will and tell your soul to bless the Lord anyway. Your feelings or emotions have nothing to do with it. Likewise, we used to sing a song, “We offer the sacrifice of praise unto the Lord ...”
By Him, therefore, let us offer the sacrifice of praise to God continually, that is, the fruit of our lips giving thanks to His name. Hebrews 13:15
There may be times, perhaps many times, when we do not feel like offering a sacrifice of praise unto the Lord. Again, what do our feelings have to do with any thing? Scripture says that “in every thing give thanks to the Lord” (1 Thessalonians 5:18). We must decide whether or not we want to obey the Word of God. It is a personal decision on our part and has nothing to do with our feelings. The most pleasing sacrifice of praise to our God is when we do NOT feel like it!
Let us return to some classic verses.
22 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.24 Therefore as the Church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing. Ephesians 5:22, 24
There may be many times in a marriage when a Christian wife does not feel like submitting to her husband. Perhaps the husband has said some things that he should not have said. Perhaps the husband does not seem to deserve his wife submitting to him. Perhaps the wife believes that her husband is just plain “wrong” about some things. What does all of that have to do with the word of God? If a wife submits to her husband only when she feels like it, then the marriage is in for some perilous times. The wife must make a personal decision and submit to her husband, whether or not she feels like it. Finally, let us look at one more verse.
Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the Church, and gave Himself for it ... Ephesians 5:25
There may be many times that the husband does not feel like loving his wife as Christ loved the Church. Perhaps she has been nagging him, or has a dirty house, or makes some bad financial purchases without the husband knowing about it, or any of a thousand other things. But the love of a man for his wife does NOT depend upon his feelings for her! Feelings may come and go. There may be good feelings and not so good feelings. The love of a man for his wife is based on a man’s will, not on his feelings (emotional) or intellect (mind). Christian love is a decision, not a feeling. What is important is that the husband makes a personal decision, an act of his will, to love his wife regardless of her temporary faults. We must look at our spouse in the same way that God looks at him/her ... as a completed, finished product, without spot or wrinkle. We need to call those things that are not as though they were. If we persist in this Godly approach, as outlined in the Bible, before long we will discover that marriage indeed can be beautiful!
Please note that what follows are primarily needs of the soul, not the spirit. But there is nothing evil or unclean about our soul, PROVIDED we allow the Spirit of God to be Lord of that part of our being also. We have included a “W” after each need of the soul that is of primary concern for the wife; an “H” after the need of the soul that is of primary concern for the husband; and “Both” for those soul needs that are shared by both husband and wife. Of course, there are exceptions, based on the individual husband and wife. These needs are listed alphabetically, with no implied order of importance.
Affection (W)
To most women, affection symbolizes security, protection, comfort, and approval, vitally important assets in their eyes. Affection and sex are NOT the same! When a husband shows his wife affection, he sends the following messages:
1. I will take care of you and protect you2. You are important to me and I want only good things to happen in your life.3. I am concerned about the problems you face, and I am with you.4. I think you have done a good job, and I am proud of you.
Most women like to receive hugs and kisses. Holding hands is a time-honored and effective sign of affection. Walks after dinner, opening the car door for her, back rubs, phone calls from work and conversations with thoughtful and loving expressions are all well-received by the wife. An invitation out to dinner, an occasional bouquet of flowers, and a greeting card or note are also some of a thousand ways for a man to tell his wife that he loves her. But a man should never forget to TELL his wife that he loves her! The wife likes to hear the words as well as to see the actions that prove that love. Any man can LEARN to be affectionate, but he will need to ask the Lord for help in this area.
Attractive Wife (H)
First of all, “attractive” does not necessarily mean “beautiful” by the world’s standards. Attractiveness is what you do with what you have. “Attractive” means that the wife should take pains to look something like the woman her husband married. That was the woman he fell in love with, not a movie star or some other fantasy. Getting old provides no excuse for letting weight creep up and up, not fixing your hair, or dressing like a bag lady. If the wife does not look good, he won’t look at her very much. Visual stimulation is very powerful for a man. When the wife looks good, the husband feels good. A man’s need for physical attractiveness can be profound. It may sound immature or superficial, but some men do not appreciate a woman for her inner qualities alone. Present your outer person as well as your inner person as unto the Lord.
What can the wife do about it? First, balance your intake of calories with the proper amount of exercise. A good diet also provides balanced nutrition. The figure that emerges from a sound program of dieting and exercise will be the optimal one for you, and it will create optimal interest on your husband’s part. All of this requires discipline. Again, ask the Lord for His help.
Second, use makeup to your best advantage. Cosmetics have been around for centuries. A word of caution ... do NOT overdo it. Too much or gawdy makeup tends to turn off some men. Ask your spouse what amount looks best on you.
Third, get a hairstyle he likes. Again, ask him what he likes. If a wife spends time to please her husband and to achieve something she finds comfortable, well and good. If your husband doesn’t like a certain hair style and color, abandon it and try again. The idea is to be attractive to him.
Dress to be attractive to your man without being extravagant or provocative to other men. A woman should pay as much, if not more, attention to her choice of nightclothes as she does to clothes she wears in public. When she dresses for bed, she dresses strictly for her husband.
Communication (Both)
Before marriage, a man and a woman usually spend much of their time together just talking ... about anything and everything. BEFORE marriage, a couple usually has two basic goals. They try to (1) get to know each other more thoroughly, and (2) let each other know how much they care for each other. After marriage, this conversation sometimes declines causing frustration on the part of the woman. Why should these goals be dropped AFTER the wedding?
Women, by nature, enjoy talking much more than men do. Women can spend hours on the telephone, talking with an old girl friend about every little detail. Men just don’t do that with their men friends. After marriage, the husband should make every effort to set aside sufficient time each week to focus his sole attention upon his wife and talk with her about anything and everything. Good conversation helps couples communicate their needs to each other and to learn how to meet each other’s needs. If something the husband does affects his wife negatively, he needs to know it so he can eliminate that behavior and do something pleasing for her instead. Conversely, if he is doing something right, he needs to know that too so he can continue or even increase that action. Couples can NOT work too hard or too long at this process.
A key point in developing good conversation habits is to develop interests that both husband and wife can share. As the husband and wife gain mutual interests, they have much more to talk about. The man can then meet his wife’s needs for conversation with less effort. It becomes natural and spontaneous. Caring partners converse in a caring way.
NEVER talk about each other’s “faults,” particularly in front of othersNEVER use conversation to try to force agreement to your way of thinking.NEVER dwell on mistakes, past or present. God forgives and forgets.ALWAYS balance the conversation. Those who monopolize conversation create an unwanted habit in their spouse ... silence.ALWAYS use conversation to inform and understand your spouse.ALWAYS give each other your undivided attention.ALWAYS respect your spouse’s feelings and opinions, especially when yours are different.
Many marriages begin to break down because the partners are critical of each other. When you are criticized, you naturally defend yourself. In your mind you begin to build up defensive walls around your self-image, with the unhappy result that you barricade yourself from your partner. Since we do not own our partner, we should at least show him or her the same level of courtesy and respect we would show to a stranger. Self- centeredness is the root problem.
Marriage involves a commitment to a responsibility intended to be for fulfilling (or filling full) the other. If this goal of fulfillment is to be attained between the partners, communication must be kept open. It doesn’t necessarily have to be verbal communication all of the time. Communication depends more on the receiver (what is heard) than on the transmitter (what is said). Care must be taken that the right message gets across. Husbands and wives, communicate with each other!
Domestic Support (H)
Please note that “domestic support” does NOT mean that the wife is nothing but a servant who must clean, wash, iron, cook, take care of the kids, and possibly have a full time job on top of all of that. Any husband who demands all of that from his wife without doing his part ... needs counseling, and FAST! Domestic support means peace and quiet and includes a loving wife, a well-maintained and orderly home, and well-behaved children who love and are taught to respect their father. This pleasant environment does not just automatically happen.
Prior to marriage, men take care of their own domestic needs, unless they live with their parents. A bachelor on his own knows what it’s like to pick up everything he leaves on the floor; he must wash the dishes; he must make the bed; he must iron his clothes. He must do it all. So when he is first married, he is usually willing to share household responsibilities and tasks with his wife. But a man’s need for domestic support greatly increases when children arrive. Domestic responsibilities sometimes become a low priority for the husband after they have children. Men often begin to resent having to pitch in with household chores after fighting freeways and pacifying their cranky bosses all day. Stress and pressure begins to build up.
The solution? Pray ... pray ... pray ... and ask the Lord for His wisdom. Then TALK with your spouse about all of the domestic chores that must be done, learn each other’s priorities, create a plan that will mutually satisfy each spouse, and do it! The feeling of fairness is essential to a great marriage.
Family Commitment (W)
The husband is the priest of the home and MUST take an active part in the family, although the burden for guiding the house rests with the wife (1 Timothy 5:14). Despite the current trend among many young couples to avoid having children, most women have a powerful instinct to create a family. Wives want their husbands to take an active leadership role in the family and to commit themselves to help in the spiritual, moral and educational development of their children.
A man can strengthen both his marriage and his ties with his children by developing quality family time. Try to spend ample time on family relationships. This can include meals together as a family, attending church services together, reading to the children before bedtime, playing board games together, reading the Bible together at home, family projects that are also fun for the children, etc. Children are easier to influence than teens or adults. Make the most of your ability to mold them with quality moral standards and scriptural life principles that can benefit them for the rest of their life.
Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it. Proverbs 22:6
Each child is different, so it really requires nothing less than the wisdom of God to be a good parent. Parenting takes time, training, and commitment. Learn how to be consistent. Learn how to punish properly. Learn how to reach agreement with your wife. Learn how to interpret the rules. Learn how to handle anger. Control your anger BEFORE you discipline any child. Men who accept the challenge of being a good father come away with increased marital fulfillment.
Finances (Both)
Most women want her man to earn enough money to support her as well as (or better than) her father did when she was growing up. Some women resent having to work. We strongly disagree with the materialistic trend that has forced women into the work force simply to “keep up with the Joneses” and/or just to keep up with the bank and the credit-card bills. Here we need to caution young married couples to avoid paying high interest rates on credit cards. We believe that the use of credit cards is acceptable, PROVIDED that you control the credit card rather than the credit card controlling you. We strongly suggest, if you use credit cards, that you pay the full amount each statement without accruing the horrendous fees and interest rates that credit card companies charge. The misuse of finances on the part of either husband or wife can cause serious damage to a marriage.
Many couples set a standard of living for themselves far higher than they need to be happy. If they would simply reduce their standards of living to a point of comfort, many could avoid husbands working long hours and wives pressured to earn a paycheck. Couples need to make a choice as to whether or not the wife should work. If the wife does decide to work, the money she earns should not have to be spent on basic support of the family. A family needs to learn how to live on what a husband can earn in a normal work week. A husband rarely feels good when his wife supports him financially.
A budget is a necessary good. No matter how high their income, each family must come to grips with what it can afford. A budget helps you to discover what a certain quality of life really costs. You might try developing THREE budgets ... one to describe what you need, one to describe what you want, and one to describe what you can afford. Only the husband’s income should be put in the needs budget. Remember that an alternative is always to cut back on expenses. Do you really need internet fees, cable fees, etc.? We have heard Christian couples say that the happiest they have ever been in their life is when they had very little money. That forces you to lean on the Lord and on each other.
A married couple must decide who will be the primary person to write checks for bills; whether you will have one or two checking accounts; how much money you want to try to save for children’s education, emergency situations, etc.; and whether or not you will have life insurance for the primary breadwinner.
Honesty and Openness (Both)
A sense of security is a golden thread woven through all of a woman’s basic needs. If a husband does not keep up honest and open communication with his wife, he undermines her trust and eventually destroys her sense of security. To feel secure, a wife must trust her husband to give her accurate information about his past, the present, and the future. If she can’t trust the signals he sends, she has a problem building a solid relationship. Honesty is the best insurance policy. It may take years to build up a solid foundation of trust between two people, but it only takes ONE incident to destroy that trust.
Openness with each other is a very good habit to develop. A man and his wife are ONE, according to Scripture. A good approach is to be so open, so transparent, to your spouse that you ASK your spouse on some regular basis what you can do or say that will give your spouse more pleasure. This applies to every realm ... spiritual, emotional, psychological, and sexual.
Recreational Companionship (Both)
It is not uncommon for women, when they are single, to join men in pursuing their interests. They find themselves hunting, fishing, watching all kinds of sports, and watching movies they would never have chosen on their own. Likewise, single men will make the effort to treat their lady friend with activities which appeal to women, such as dinner dates, dancing, romantic walks, movies, cultural events, and shopping. After marriage, each usually gravitates back to his/her own interests.
There is nothing wrong with a moderate amount of separateness in our interests. In fact, this is healthy! However, married couples need to seek out a recreational activity or activities that they both enjoy and schedule, on a regular basis, time together for such activities. Yes, the Lord can use this to strengthen your marriage and also ease the burden and stress of life’s typical pace. A husband and wife should be each other’s best friend. A fun activity can be a time to give each other undivided attention, thereby improving communication. Couples need to be able to look forward to recreational companionship with their spouse.
Respect/Reverence (H)
One of man’s deepest needs is to feel respected (Ephesians 5:33). The ultimate expression of respect is submission on the part of the wife. This is almost impossible unless she respects him. You can be forced to obey someone, but not to respect them. Man needs the respect of his wife to have self-esteem. Power struggles between husband and wife are a leading cause of divorce.
Honest respect and admiration is a great motivator for most men. When a woman tells a man she thinks he is wonderful, that inspires him to achieve more. He sees himself as capable of handling new responsibilities and perfecting skills far above those of his present level. That inspiration helps prepare him for the responsibilities of life. While criticism causes men to become defensive, respect and admiration energizes and motivates them. A man expects ... and needs ... his wife to be his most enthusiastic fan. He draws confidence from her support and can usually achieve far more with her encouragement. Behind every man should be an admiring and supportive wife.
A word of caution! Before heaping words of praise on your spouse, you should understand that you should never FAKE your admiration. By simply saying flattering words to your husband, you can do more harm than good. To have any value, praise must genuinely reflect your feelings. What if your feelings are NOT genuine? Then pray, pray, pray and ask the Lord to open your spiritual eyes such that you begin to see your spouse through the eyes of the Lord and agree with His vision for your spouse. Then let your words and behavior “line up” by faith. The Lord is faithful!
Who Is In Control?
From our experience, there are many possible “little foxes” that can spoil the vines (Song of Solomon 2:15). One rather large “fox” that attacked my vine for many years was when things did not occur in the manner that I thought they should. There have been a number of occasions when I was convinced that the Lord was going to do certain things at a certain time and it never came to pass. Sometimes our soul can cloud our spirit and make us believe that certain things will happen in a certain way. When that does not happen, our soul can tend to become vexed or irritated or frustrated. We have to remember that the Lord is the One who is in control, not us. Israel means “God rules” or “God commands.” We can NOT allow our soul to control our spirit and thus take over our being.
Horatio G. Spafford, a successful attorney in Chicago, lived from 1828 until 1888. He was the father of four daughters and one son, an active member of a Presbyterian church, and a loyal friend and supporter of Dwight L. Moody and other evangelical leaders of his day. Without warning, however, a series of unexpected events occurred. First there was the death of the Spafford’s only son. Shortly after that, the great Chicago fire of 1871 wiped out the family’s extensive real estate investments. When Moody left for Great Britain in November, 1873, for an evangelistic campaign, Spafford decided to take his family to Europe to lift their spirits and to assist in the meetings. Spafford was detained by urgent business, but he sent his wife and four daughters as scheduled on the S.S. Ville du Havre, planning to join them soon. Halfway across the Atlantic Ocean, the ship was struck by an English vessel and sunk in 12 minutes. All four of the Spafford daughters drowned. Mrs. Spafford was among the few who were miraculously saved.
Horatio Spafford stood hour after hour on the deck of the ship carrying him to rejoin his sorrowing wife in Wales. When the ship passed the approximate place where his precious daughters had drowned, Spafford received sustaining comfort from God that enabled him to write, “It is well with my soul.”
When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
when sorrows like sea billows roll –
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say,
It is well with my soul.And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
the clouds be rolled back as a scroll:
The trump shall resound and the Lord shall descend,
“Even so” – it is well with my soul.Chorus: It is well with my soul, it is well, it is well with my soul.
What a picture of our hope! Ask yourself if you can truthfully say, “It is well with my soul,” no matter what the circumstances may be that surround you. Husbands and wives need to be ever mindful ... THE LORD IS IN CONTROL!
Chapter 6: The Mystery Of The Oneness Of Husband And Wife
The word “mystery” speaks of a secret. Scripturally, a mystery is something kept secret and hid from our understanding until it is revealed to us by the Holy Spirit. Throughout all of history, God has kept certain things secret, and revealed them from time to time according to His purposes and counsels.
The secret things belong unto the Lord our God: but those things which are revealed belong unto us and to our children for ever, that we may do all the words of this law. Deuteronomy 29:29Surely the Lord God will do nothing, but He revealeth His secret unto His servants the prophets. Amos 3:7
Some Scriptural mysteries would never have been known without revelation; but when revealed they may be in some measure explained and understood. One example of such a mystery is the resurrection from the dead.
51 Behold I shew unto you a mystery; We shall not all sleep, but we shall all be changed,52 In a moment, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trump: for the trumpet shall sound, and the dead shall be raised incorruptible, and we shall be changed. 1 Corinthians 15:51-52
Other Scriptural mysteries are those which, when revealed to us, we know the existence, reality, or certainty of them, but cannot comprehend how they are. The spiritual union between Christ and the Church is one (of several) such mysteries, because it exceeds human understanding. So is the oneness of a husband and wife.
22 And the rib, which the Lord God had taken from the man, made He a woman, and brought her unto the man.23 And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman. Because she was taken out of Man. Genesis 2:22-2330 For we are members of His body, of His flesh, and of His bones.31 For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh.32 This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the Church. Ephesians 5:30-32
When the apostle Paul speaks of the mystery concerning Christ and the Church, in Verse 32, above, I believe he is ALSO speaking of the parallel mystery of a man and his wife, in Verse 31. There is, therefore, a mystery of a Christian husband and wife being one flesh. Just as Adam said that the Woman is bone of his bones and flesh of his flesh (Genesis 2:23), in like manner, Paul says that we (the Church, which is His body) are members of His body, of His flesh, and of His bones (Verse 30). Verse 31, above, clearly signifies much more than simply the Biblical knowing of the wife by her husband (or sexual intercourse between husband and wife) which occurs on some irregular frequency. Since a man and his wife become one flesh, a man ought to love his wife, inasmuch as she is himself.
Further, such mysteries are revealed only to the children of God. Jesus said,
Because it is given unto you to know the mysteries of the kingdom of heaven, but to them it is not given. Matthew 13:11
Once a man and a woman decide to become one through marriage, hopefully through the leading of the Holy Spirit, they must continually work at maintaining that oneness. The concept of “oneness” between husband and wife is a key factor in understanding the role of the wife. Jesus prayed, in John 17, that we (the Church) might all be one. How can the Church be one if husband and wife are not one?
In the parable of the prodigal son, after the younger son had taken his journey into a far country and there wasted his substance with riotous living,
14 And when he had spent all, there arose a mighty famine in that land; and he began to be in want.15 And he went and joined himself to a citizen of that country ... Luke 15:14-15
Paul also says
But he that is joined unto the Lord is one spirit. 1 Corinthians 6:17
The word translated as joined in both Luke 15:15 and 1 Corinthians 6:17 is the Greek word kollao, which means to cleave to. It means that the prodigal son forced himself to return to his father and cleaved to his father again. Before the prodigal son had gone away, he said “give me” (Luke 15:12). After he came back he said to his father, “make me” (Luke 15:19). The prodigal son made a personal decision to cleave to or join himself back to his father. Likewise, we as believers are born again Christians, but we must still make a personal decision to join our self to the Lord or to cleave unto Him. The same is true for husband and wife.
... and they two shall be one flesh. Ephesians 5:31
There have been about 10 or 12 times in my life that I have experienced a sensation that is very difficult to describe. In each case, I very strongly sensed that I was enclosing my wife, somewhat like a cocoon. It was like I was surrounding her completely with my arms and thereby protecting her from any attacks of any possible enemy. There was also a feeling of warmth involved. The above verses, along with Ephesians 5:23, are the closest that I am aware of that substantiate these experiences.
For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the Church: and he is the saviour of the body. Ephesians 5:23
The diagram below is an analogy of a man and a woman who are not married and do not know Jesus as their personal Lord and Savior.
Then, after the man and the woman get married and both come to know the Lord, we typically have the following diagram. Notice that the husband and wife have some things in common, but each is still rather separate from each other. The large, outer circle represents Christ.
Finally, the following diagram represents the proper relationship of husband and wife who are rightly related to the Lord and to each other. The large outer circle represents Christ; the middle, darker circle represents the man; and the inner circle represents the woman.
In years past, we have seen many Christian couples who seem to go their own separate ways ... the man has a certain ministry and the wife has some other ministry ... they are like two entirely different people. Christ and His body are NOT two totally separate entities! Neither is a man and his wife! There is a "great mystery" of the oneness of husband and wife.
Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered. 1 Peter 3:7
The Holy Spirit tells husbands to "give honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel." As a generality, no one would argue that males are physically stronger than females in the natural realm. But surely that is not what Paul is talking about! We have already stated that the wife, in general, is more sensitive to the things of the Spirit. Obviously there may be exceptions. Women are also more emotionally inclined than men. Just as our physical body houses our soul and spirit, so, in like manner, is the relationship of a husband to his wife. The husband forms the outer part ... the wife forms the inner part. Eve was formed out of a rib taken from the inner part of man. So the husband must protect the soul and spirit of the “one flesh” formed by the marriage of the man and the woman. The husband protects his wife by his right relationship to the Lord and by seeking the Lord on behalf of husband and wife for all decisions of any importance. The wife MUST convey her spiritual sensing to her husband, however. It is the same principle as that of a watchman. The watchman MUST convey what he sees to the one who makes decisions, but the watchman does not actually make the decisions. The man is usually the more visible of the two for outward ministry to the body of Christ. Peter speaks of the behavior of the wife as “the hidden man of the heart” (1 Peter 3:4). The wife must be very careful not to usurp (as Eve did) the position that God has given to the husband. If a husband does not walk in his proper role and is not functioning in the manner that pleases the Lord, or if the wife is rebellious, then the oneness of husband and wife could be compromised and is vulnerable to attacks from the enemy in the realm of the spirit and soul. The stronger of the two must stand in the gap and pray, pray, pray that the tear in the covering might be held together by His great grace and mercy until the light dawns in the other spouse.
“As being heirs together of the grace of life” (1 Peter 3:7) also needs some serious thought and prayer as to exactly what the Spirit is saying. Does it mean “together” as in two totally separate people? We tend to think NOT! We believe it reinforces the fact that the husband and wife are ONE! We know that the unbelieving husband is sanctified (and cleansed) by the wife and the unbelieving wife is sanctified (and cleansed) by the husband (1 Corinthians 7:14). Is that verse no longer true if BOTH husband and wife are genuine believers? We also know that it is Christ Who sanctifies and cleanses the Church with the washing of water by the word (Ephesians 5:26), but is this also an extension of Paul’s analogy below?
For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the Church: and he is the saviour of the body. Ephesians 5:23
We find additional scriptural support for our last diagram, above, in the Book of Acts.
Howbeit many of them which heard the word believed; and the number of the men was about five thousand. Acts 4:4
The word “men,” above means “males,” NOT “human beings.” Scripture makes no reference as to the number of women or wives who believed. Why? Because when the men accept Christ, so do their wives and their whole house. When Paul and Silas were in the Philippian jail, the prison keeper had heard that these were preachers of the way of salvation. With the earthquake and his own impending death, the prison keeper wanted to know about the way, and he said,
30 Sirs, what must I do to be saved?31 And they said, Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ, and thou shalt be saved, and thy house. Acts 16:30-31
We are at a loss to find a scripture that says that when a wife accepts the Lord, her husband and house will likewise be saved. The account in Acts 16:13-15 about Lydia on the surface appears to record the same principle as with the Philippian prison keeper. However, although we have not been able to substantiate this from any Bible dictionary, we believe that Lydia was a widow who had children before her husband died. She said “come into my house” (Acts 16:15). In accordance with the scriptural order of God, Lydia would NOT have said “my house” if she had a husband, nor would she have made a unilateral invitation to Paul if she had a husband. In addition, she would not be a wealthy woman, running a business of selling purple, if she had a husband. But because she was a widow with children, and rightly related to the Lord, she provided the same covering to her house that a married man would provide.
Benefits of Oneness
The benefits of a husband and wife who are rightly related to the Lord and to each other are without measure. We list below only two promises of the Lord to the husband and wife who realize and practice that oneness with each other and with the Lord.
9 Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labour.10 For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe to him that is alone when he falleth; for he hath not another to help him up.11 If two lie together, then they have heat: but how can one be warm alone? Ecclesiastes 4:9-111 Blessed is every one that feareth the Lord; that walketh in His ways.2 For thou shalt eat the labour of thine hands: happy shalt thou be, and it shall be well with thee.3 Thy wife shall be as a fruitful vine by the sides of thine house: thy children like olive plants round about thy table.4 Behold, that thus shall the man be blessed that feareth the Lord.5 The Lord shall bless thee out of Zion: and thou shalt see the good of Jerusalem all the days of thy life.6 Yea, thou shalt see thy children’s children, and peace upon Israel. Psalm 128:1-6
Implications of Oneness
Man’s arithmetic says that one plus one equals two. We believe that a part of Satan’s master plan is to get married couples, even Christian married couples, to see themselves as two separate people. The husband has his job, his car, his interests, and frequently his bank account; the wife has her job, her car, her interests, and her bank account. Before a man and a woman get married they try to determine if they have common interests. That is a fleshly approach to marriage, based on selfishness. Everything in the American culture is designed to emphasize the fact that husband and wife are two, not one. The husband has his vote and the wife has her vote. Frequently, the husband and wife vote differently and, in effect, cancel out each other’s vote. The women’s lib movement pushed women to be equal with men in the workplace and basically described marriage as bondage. The traditional, complementary sexual roles were seen as restricting a woman’s freedom rather than enhancing her well-being. Women wanted to be “equal” with men and illicit sex became much more explicit. Women allowed the ideology of the movement to override the emotional, vulnerable side of themselves that brought out a man’s wish to protect, comfort, honor, and love them. More and more women have left the home and sought after a successful career. In Christian circles, the husband has his ministry and the wife has her ministry. In church meetings, the husband speaks and the wife speaks. Some women even keep their own last name after marriage. That REALLY is contrary to the oneness that God intended for husband and wife. An“independent” spirit within a woman today in the United States is looked upon as something to be desired and looked upon with pride. In reality, that independent spirit has been generated by the enemy.
God’s arithmetic says that one plus one equals one! If a man and his wife are really one then why should both have a vote? Why not have one vote per household? But, you may say, what about single people? In older times, and even in some cultures today, a family stayed together. A man was responsible for his family, including all children, until they were married. Furthermore, we as Christians are strangers and pilgrims on earth who seek another country (Hebrews 11:13-14). We are fellow citizens with the saints, and of the household of God (Ephesians 2:19). We have been translated into the kingdom of His dear Son (Colossians 1:13). Do we have a vote in His kingdom?
Let us apply this same principle of oneness to the Church and look at some VERY controversial scriptures.
11 Let the woman learn in silence with all subjection.12 But I suffer not a woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence.13 For Adam was first formed, then Eve.14 And Adam was not deceived, but the woman being deceived was in the transgression.15 Notwithstanding, she shall be saved in childbearing, if they continue in faith and charity and holiness with sobriety. 1 Timothy 2:11-15
Verses 11 and 12, above, are probably two of the most controversial scriptures in all of the Bible. Please note that 1 Timothy 2:11 does NOT say, “Let the woman be silent in an assembly of believers.” There IS a difference between being silent and learning in silence! We suggest that the learning in silence, in verse 11, is related to verse 12 which follows; i.e., the woman is not to teach doctrine in a public assembly (which is the significance of that specific word teach). Perhaps an even MORE difficult scripture is the following.
34 Let your women keep silence in the churches: for it is not permitted unto them to speak; but they are commanded to be under obedience, as also saith the law.35 And if they will learn any thing, let them ask their husbands at home: for it is a shame for women to speak in the church.36 What? came the word of God out from you? Or came it unto you only?37 If any man think himself to be a prophet, or spiritual, let him acknowledge that the things that I write unto you are the commandments of the Lord.
1 Corinthians 14:34-37
The Southern Baptist General Convention in the year 2000 adopted a faith statement that opposes female pastors and says wives should “graciously submit” to the servant leadership of their husbands (The Washington Post, page B9, June 7, 2003). More than 40 Southern Baptist missionaries lost their jobs in May of 2003 because they refused to endorse that faith statement. Two missionaries to Japan who were fired said they could not affirm the faith statement because, they said, it denigrates the role of women. They said the statement reflects
“blatant sexual discrimination” and “rewrites the role of every missionary woman in the field. Its marriage and ministry restrictions spell a setback of generations for the liberating power of Christ in the lives of women.”
Other critics say the faith statement is sexist and elevates the Bible over personal experience. We do not know for sure what those critics mean by “personal experience.” However, Peter, James, and John had a rather dramatic personal experience when they saw Jesus transfigured and heard a voice from God the Father. Nevertheless Peter said:
We have a more sure word of prophecy [than that experience]; whereunto ye do well that ye take heed, as unto a light that shineth in a dark place, until the day dawn and the day star arise in your hearts: 2 Peter 1:19
Almost all charismatic Christians believe that the “more sure word of prophecy” that Peter refers to is the Bible. So if it comes to choosing between Scripture and our personal experiences, we must choose Scripture because our natural senses can be misleading. We believe that is what Peter means in the above verse.
Some women seem to feel that they are treated like second-class citizens. Their feelings are sometimes well- founded! Because of sin, men frequently gravitate to one of two extremes: they either become passive and withdrawn or they become overly aggressive and domineering. Both extremes are obviously wrong. One sex does not have an inherent superiority over the other, but we DO have different functions.
We must hasten to add that the woman was NOT put on the same level as animals, to be ruled by man. There is NO sense of inferiority implied by the “help meet” ministry of the woman. Eve was made different from Adam and for a different purpose. Her abilities were designed to complement those of Adam’s. We are talking about a God-created difference rather than a man-imposed distinction. God created men and women with complementary strengths. God also created a functional order wherein the man was designed to have leadership in the home and in the church. This in no way implies that women are viewed as less spiritual by God, nor do they get less attention from God, nor is their role any less important to Him, nor are they less accountable for their actions.
A wife is designed with the capability of bearing and nurturing children. Does that mean that the man is inferior? Of course not! Men are designed to be physically stronger and capable of more strenuous work. Does that make the woman inferior? No! The man and the woman were designed to have complementary, not competing, strengths. Are the hidden, internal organs, such as the heart, lungs, and kidneys, less important because they are not as visible as the skin? Has the hand been designed to hear better than the ear? Has the foot been designed to see better than the eye? Does the nose speak just as well as the mouth? Why then should we believe that EVERYONE is a mouth? Are the hidden floor joists which support the sub-flooring less important than the beautiful hardwood floors which are so visible to the eye? Should we believe that God did not really know what He was doing when He set the members in the body as it has pleased Him?
18 But now hath God set the members every one of them in the body, as it hath pleased Him.19 And if they were all one member, where were the body?20 But now are they many members, yet but one body.21 And the eye cannot say unto the hand, I have no need of thee: nor again the head to the feet, I have no need of you.22 Nay, much more those members of the body, which seem to be more feeble, are necessary:23 And those members of the body, which we think to be less honourable, upon these we bestow more abundant honour; and our uncomely parts have more abundant comeliness.24 For our comely parts have no need: but God hath tempered the body together, having given more abundant honour to that part which lacked:25 That there should be no schism in the body; but that the members should have the same care one for another. 1 Corinthians 12:18-25
Of course, if the man has a haughty attitude or dogmatically insists on his “rights,” then he is VERY wrong! The Lord never intended for a husband to control or adopt a “lord” attitude over his wife.
It is true that a wife should submit to her own husband. Some may say that there is no scripture that says that a wife should submit to other men. That is NOT exactly true. We believe that the following scriptures apply to BOTH men AND women.
Obey them that have the rule over you, and submit yourselves: for they watch for your souls, as they that must give account, that they may do it with joy, and not with grief: for that is unprofitable for you. Hebrews 13:17
Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God. Ephesians 5:21Likewise, ye younger, submit yourselves unto the elder. Yea, all of you be subject one to another, and clothed with humility: for God resisteth the proud, and giveth grace to the humble. 1 Peter 5:5
Why does the Bible have so many verses which talk about submission in so many different relationships? If we cannot submit to our brother whom we have seen, how can we submit to God Whom we have not seen? The Lord wants to have the quality of submission written into our very beings, for both men and women. That is a part of “Christ in you, the hope of glory.”
About thirty years ago we shared in a meeting of believers a word from 1 Corinthians 11:12 concerning the “oneness” of husband and wife. (See Chapter 3 for more on that word.)
For as the woman is of the man, even so is the man also by the woman; but all things of God. 1 Corinthians 11:12
The word that we shared at that time seemed to have been received like a lead balloon. Hindsight, we believe that very few, if any, of the believers present grasped the significance of that word. Why? because of the democratic, independent spirit within the United States and because we have been “programmed” to see husband and wife as TWO, not one. Only the Lord knows how many believers today grasp the real significance of the oneness that exists between husband and wife.
As with most difficulties in understanding Scripture, we need to go back to the book of Genesis. Before the fall, the Lord gave naming rights to Adam. Adam gave the name to every living creature (Genesis 2:19-20). Adam also gave his wife her name of woman. After the Lord made the woman from one of Adam’s ribs,
23 And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.24 Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh. Genesis 2:23-24
AFTER the fall, Adam did an about face. He apparently no longer saw the woman as one with him. Immediately after the fall, when the Lord God confronted Adam and his wife about their sin,
And the man said, The woman whom Thou gavest to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I did eat. Genesis 3:12
Sounds like Adam had a problem with both Eve AND with the Lord. He pointed his finger at everyone except himself. Adam appears to have said, “Lord, you gave me the wrong woman.” But of course, the Lord NEVER makes a mistake. Likewise, wife, you have the right husband. Therefore it is fair to say that SIN was what caused Adam to see himself and his wife as TWO, not ONE. The serpent played on the (false) separateness of Adam and Eve to deceive Eve into partaking of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. Very shortly after that,
And Adam called his wife’s name Eve; because she was the mother of all living. Genesis 3:20
Please note that this is the FIRST time that Adam called his wife by the title of Eve, which means “mother of all living.” So Adam saw her then as the mother of his children, but they had lost the sense of oneness. From henceforth throughout history, Satan has played on that separateness of a man and his wife, as if they are two entirely different, separate people. Trace all of the major events in history and you will see how the enemy has tried to destroy all thought of the oneness that a husband and wife should have.
How does God see all of this? AFTER the fall,
1 This is the book of the generations of Adam. In the day that God created man, in the likeness of God made He him;2 Male and female created He them; and blessed them, and called their name Adam, in the day when they were created. Genesis 5:1-2
Please note that God called THEIR name Adam, IN THE DAY WHEN THEY WERE CREATED ... BEFORE Adam ever called his wife by ANY name! Here we have the scriptural basis for a woman changing her last name to that of her husband after she gets married. MUCH MORE IMPORTANTLY, God always saw and still sees a husband and wife as ONE, NOT AS TWO!!! The worldly man sees husband and wife as two. Unfortunately, most CHRISTIANS see husband and wife as two! Granted that this oneness is somewhat of a mystery, but do we dare to look at ANY thing differently than the way God sees it? Now, if husband and wife are ONE, then there is NO need for two votes to come from the same household. We are inclined to believe that the women’s suffrage movement in the United States has done more harm than good! Likewise, if husband and wife are ONE, then there is NO need for BOTH husband and wife to speak in an assembly of believers! The husband becomes the spokesman for the family. We believe that is what Paul saw when he wrote those verses in 1 Timothy 2. Because Paul is there addressing the husband-wife relationship, the correct English translation should be:
11 Let the wife learn in silence with all subjection.12 But I suffer not a wife to teach [doctrine in a public assembly], nor to usurp authority over the man [husband], but to be in silence [concerning doctrinal issues].13 For Adam was first formed, then Eve.14 And Adam was not deceived, but the woman being deceived was in the transgression.1 Timothy 2:11-14
Since the husband and his wife are ONE, there is need for only ONE of them to speak, because they speak as ONE. Now some may say, well if only ONE of them (the husband and the wife) is to speak, why can’t the woman speak some of the time? Our answer is the same as the answer to the question, “Why can’t men have babies in the natural realm?” ... because God ordained it to be different. Which one is to speak? the man, because he has the birthright ... he was formed first ... he was created ... Eve was made from Adam ... he has been given the function as spokesman in Church assemblies for the ONE family. Adam was not the one deceived. Eve became the speaker for the one Adam in their discourse with Satan in Genesis 3. As such, she usurped the God-given authority of the man. That is what Paul says in those verses in 1 Timothy 2, above.
We certainly recognize that God may empower anyone or any thing at any time that He chooses! He caused a female ass to speak to Balaam (Numbers 22:28), but few would suggest that ANY ass can or should speak. The Lord told Isaiah to walk naked and barefoot for three years (Isaiah 20:2-3), but few would suggest that ALL prophets should walk naked and barefoot for three years. The Lord told Hosea to marry a harlot, but few would suggest that ALL prophets should marry a prostitute. When David danced before the Lord with all of his might (2 Samuel 6:14-21), he “uncovered or disrobed himself in the eyes of his handmaids, as one of the vain fellows shamelessly uncovered himself” (2 Samuel 6:20); but few would suggest that ALL kings and prophets should do the same. The exception may invalidate man’s rule but it does NOT do away with the rule when it is God’s rule. May we also suggest that simply knowing the truth and expounding masterfully on the truth is NOT sufficient. We have said, for many years, that good teachers are a dime a dozen (although a new level of anointing in teaching will arise very soon). There are a MULTITUDE of believers, both men and women, who can artfully expound on many facets of scripture. The question is, what and where is the fruit? Unless God honors our speaking or doing, then we have produced wood, hay, and stubble. Paul said,
I have planted, Apollos watered; but God gave the increase. 1 Corinthians 3:6
Let me be the first to say, however, if the Lord wants to use a woman for ANY kind of ministry within the Church, that is HIS business. I certainly will not object. The Lord may suspend His rules any time He wants to. Nevertheless, as we previously stated, the exception does not do away with His rule for us.
14 Yet ye say, Wherefore? Because the Lord hath been witness between thee and the wife of thy youth, against whom thou hast dealt treacherously: yet is she thy companion, and the wife of thy covenant.15 And did He not make one? Yet had He the residue of the spirit. And wherefore one? That He might seek a Godly seed. Therefore take heed to your spirit, and let none deal treacherously against the wife of his youth. Malachi 2:14-15
Many theologians believe this verse refers to Abraham, who “married” the foreigner Hagar in order to have a son. Some rather respected men with some spiritual understanding also believe this verse speaks about Abraham. But Abraham did not divorce Sarah, who had suggested the union with Hagar in the first place. We believe that the life of Abraham and Sarah is certainly an example of what the above verse refers to, but to limit it to Abraham would be missing the mark. Verse 15 also speaks of the oneness that God has designed for husband and wife. God could have made more than one wife for Adam; but He made one wife for man that He might seek a Godly seed. Monogamy was and is God’s plan for marriage ... one man and one woman. However, there is a greater meaning.
“And did not He make one?” refers to when God made Adam, as one, not two. A key question is the meaning of “And wherefore one?” In other words, WHY did God make ONE (Adam) rather than TWO (Adam and Eve)? The answer is, “That He might seek a Godly seed (or a seed of God).”
Now to Abraham and his seed were the promises made. He saith not, “And to seeds,” as of many; but as of one, “And to thy Seed,” which is Christ.
Galatians 3:16
So the Godly Seed in Malachi 2:15 refers to Christ. The Father ALWAYS had in His mind the Son. He also had in mind, “Christ in you, the hope of glory.” Further, He always had in mind the oneness of the Father and the Son, the oneness of Christ and His body, and the oneness of the man and his wife, as an example of the oneness in Him. Jesus prayed,
And now I am no more in the world, but these are in the world, and I come to thee. Holy Father, keep through Thine own name those whom Thou hast given Me, that they may be one, as We are. John 17:11
The latter part of the above prayer emphasizes the unity which is already given, not something to be achieved. The meaning is “that they continually be one” rather than “that they become one.” The unity spoken of here is at the Church level, rather than the husband and wife level, but the same truth applies at both levels. This unity is to be like that between the Father and the Son. Jesus then prayed this same request four more times in John 17.
21 That they all may be one; as Thou, Father, art in Me, and I in Thee, that they also may be one in us: that the world may believe that Thou hast sent Me.22 And the glory which Thou gavest Me I have given them; that they may be one, even as we are one.23 I in them, and Thou in Me, that they may be made perfect in one; and that the world may know that Thou hast sent Me, and hast loved them, as Thou hast loved Me. John 17:21-23
The unity of believers should have an effect on those without Christ, to convince them of the glorious purpose and plan of Christ.
If a husband and wife do not see that oneness in their personal relationship, how can the body of Christ see the oneness at the next higher level? Oneness becomes simply a doctrine to which we give mental agreement. Lord, put flesh on these bones!
3 Endeavoring to keep [or maintain] the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.4 There is one body .... Ephesians 4:3-4
The unity of the Spirit was produced through the reconciling death and resurrection of Christ. (For confirmation of this, see Ephesians 2:14-22.) It takes spiritual warfare to maintain that unity of the Spirit because the thief always comes to tell us that husband and wife are two, not one, and that the Church is likewise not one but many.
Now let us take this oneness of husband and wife one step further. Spiritually we believers have this same oneness with Jesus Christ, the Head of the body.
But he that is joined unto the Lord is one spirit. 1 Corinthians 6:17
An even more startling verse is:
For we are members of His body, of His flesh, and of His bones. Ephesians 5:30
Now the body of Christ does not run around on earth while the Head of the body is situated in heaven! Christ is ONE! The Head and His body are ONE! This is a great mystery and not something we can comprehend with our natural senses. It is a growing awareness on our part of the reality of the oneness between the Lord and His body. The final result of this growing awareness is given by:
And the Spirit and the bride say, Come. And let him that heareth say, Come. And let him that is athirst come. Revelation 22:17
In other words, what the Spirit says, the bride says. There is the same oneness as between the Father and the Son.
This brings us to another key in unraveling the difficult scriptures.
27 For as many of you as have been baptized into Christ have put on Christ.28 There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither bond nor free, there is neither male nor female: for ye are all one in Christ Jesus. Galatians 3:27-28
What does it mean to be “baptized into Christ”? And what does it mean to be “in Christ Jesus”? Perhaps we should back up one level and talk about Christ, which means the Anointed One. The word “Messiah” is the Greek transliteration of a Hebrew word with the same meaning, of Anointed. “Christ Jesus” denotes the now exalted One, Who once humbled Himself, as described below.
5 Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus:6 Who being in the form of God, thought it not robbery to be equal with God:7 But made Himself of no reputation, and took upon Him the form of a servant, and was made in the likeness of men:8 And being found in fashion as a man, He humbled Himself, and became obedient unto death, even the death of the cross:9 Wherefore God also hath highly exalted Him, and given Him a name which is above every name:10 That at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, of things in heaven, and things in earth, and things under the earth;11 And that every tongue should confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father. Philippians 2:5-11
We need to remember that Paul is writing, not to unbelievers, but to the saints at Philippi. When Paul says, “For as many of you as have been baptized into Christ have put on Christ,” the wording implies that not all of the saints there have been baptized into Christ. Paul is NOT talking about those who have been baptized in water; and he is NOT talking about those who have been baptized in the Holy Spirit. The church of God at Corinth had experienced both of those two baptisms but they were not baptized into Christ and had not put on Christ. Instead, they still maintained their carnal ways.
To be “baptized into Christ” means that we have been immersed into His Name, into His ways, into His anointing. It means we have identified with the Anointed One in the same manner as spoken of in Philippians.
There is an anointing to speak; there is an anointing to do; and there is an anointing to become. In other words, to participate in the Anointing, to be baptized into Christ, means that we must have the same mind that was in Christ Jesus: we must make ourselves of no reputation [ouch!] and take upon us the form of a servant; we must humble ourselves, become obedient unto death, even the death of the cross [not a physical cross]; and recognize, not just in words, that Jesus Christ is Lord. The way up is down!
Linda’s Testimony
Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife; and they shall be one flesh. Genesis 2:24
That verse speaks of something FAR greater than simply in the natural, physical realm! When we marry, we include the unity message in our vows, light the one candle, and extinguish the two separate candles, but we really don’t understand what the Lord is after. It is a great mystery!
For simplicity, if you can envision the husband as the outer part (more seen, more recognized by man, more overt) and the wife as the inner part (the hidden man of the heart, who enables, loves, supports, encourages, and presses her husband into more of the Lord), then you can begin to see the oneness the Lord is after. Even as the Lord formed us for the physical oneness (whereby the man Biblically knows the woman), the man constitutes the outer part and the woman, the inner part.
In 1973 the Lord opened my eyes to see Christian married couples who were each doing their own separate thing in Christ. The husband had his ministry and was going one direction. The wife had her ministry and was going in a different direction. Couples with separate ministries were a dime a dozen. I saw prayer partners with two sisters and prayer partners with two brothers. Where was the husband/wife prayer team and the manifestation of the one ministry of the husband/wife ... that ministry of unity that points to Jesus and His bride? I strongly believe that the most powerful prayer ministry is the husband/wife who are rightly related to the Lord and to each other. I saw, in part, the grief of the Lord. The Lord had indeed lit a fire within me that twas not to be extinguished. I began to travail for this “oneness” to take place in our marriage. I began to see that the Lord saw me as part of Bob’s ministry, even if I was not physically involved and even if Bob did not recognize that fact. I encouraged him to travel in the Lord when opportunities presented themselves, even though it was very hard on me with four little children at home and he took pay cuts to travel. David conveys this same truth.
For who will hearken unto you in this matter? but as his part is that goeth down to the battle, so shall his part be that tarrieth by the stuff: they shall part alike.
1 Samuel 30:24
But I saw all things as opportunities for him to mature into a man of God, and I longed for him to also see that “unity of husband/wife ministry” that the Lord was after. I remember going for walks with Bob and asking him what his vision was in the Lord, hoping that he would include me. He did not include me in his vision and my heart would break. Many times I would run weeping to the throne of grace and the Lord would rekindle that fire.
In one of those weeping moments, the Lord quickened to me that even if Bob and I never entered into that beautiful unity of one ministry in our marriage that the Lord was after, the Lord still saw me in the company of those who DO enter in and walk as one, because it was in my heart. Dearly beloved, if things of the Lord are beyond our ability to enter into physically because of hindering relationships and circumstances, we can still enter in spiritually because we embrace them in our heart! Hallelujah!
Bob’s grandmother, who was a real saint on earth, wrote in her Bible the day that Bob was born, “Lord, make him your minister.” She did not live long enough to see that word fulfilled, but that prayer was counted unto her for righteousness, because it was in the will of the Lord. This was in her heart and the Lord honored His word in her heart, for in due season that word came into being.
For man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart.
1 Samuel 16:7
After many long years, I began to wonder if my husband would ever see our “oneness of ministry” that the Lord desired. However, the flame that the Lord had lit within me never died. Then, suddenly, when I least expected it, the Lord opened my husband’s spiritual eyes and the manifestation began to flow! This unity and oneness of ministry continues to develop and mature. Several months ago we attended a meeting in a nearby church. A man of God was there from a different state who prophesied over every person in the room as a single individual, even couples.. My heart leaped for joy when he prophesied over us as one vessel, not two!
Chapter 7: Come And See
35 Again the next day after John stood, and two of his disciples.36 And looking upon Jesus as He walked, he saith, Behold the Lamb of God.37 And the two disciples heard him speak, and they followed Jesus.38 Then Jesus turned, and saw them following, and saith unto them, What seek ye? They said unto Him, Rabbi, (which is to say, being interpreted, Master,) where dwelleth Thou?39 He saith unto them, Come and see. John 1:35-39
Christianity is not a religion but a personal relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ. You can read about Christianity all you want, but you will never know the depths of that Man from Galilee until you experience Him, walk with Him, dwell with Him, and understand His ways. The same is true with a Christian marriage. You can read all of the many books about marriage but you will never know the joys of marriage until you experience being married.
About thirty years ago, a young man in his late twenties stood up in one of the assemblies of the house church of which we were a part and taught about marriage. Although no one could argue with the Scriptural truth he presented, he had never been married! A few years later he married an older Christian woman. Several years ago they were divorced. My friends, it is one thing to understand Scriptural truth. It is quite another to experience THE Truth (the person of the Lord Jesus Christ).
God usually brings a man and a woman together in marriage who are quite different from each other. That is the Wisdom of God! God uses the differences between the man and the woman to help to shape and mold both partners into what He wants them to be ... a vessel fit for the Master’s hand. God also works from our spirit outward to our soul and then the flesh. The renewed spirit of those sold out to God should, over time, rule over the soul. Therefore, even though we have included some thoughts about the soul aspects of marriage, over time these should all diminish in favor of the spiritual aspects. A Christian marriage is a means toward the end, but NOT the end in itself. In truth, in heaven they neither marry, nor are given in marriage (Matthew 22:30). The ONLY way we will ever be satisfied is given by:
As for me, I will behold Thy face in righteousness: I shall be satisfied, when I awake, with Thy likeness. Psalm 17:15
You will NEVER have a successful marriage simply by reading a book. A good book about Christian marriage can only point you in the right direction. The ONLY way to have a successful, happy marriage is to “Come and see Jesus.” Seek Him who is the author and finisher of our faith. After all, He is the one who started the institution of marriage. He has ALL of the keys to success, whether it be in marriage or anything else. A marriage based upon God’s agape love is the only way that any marriage can really become that which the Lord desires; and unless the Lord is satisfied, neither will a marriage be satisfied or fulfilling. Let us put that in another way. Wife, your husband will NEVER satisfy you! Husband, your wife will NEVER satisfy you! Only the Lord can bring about fulfillment and satisfaction in a marriage. Never lose sight of your priorities in a marriage. The Lord MUST be first, then your spouse.
As long as you look at your mate through the dim glasses of your own plans, hopes, and dreams, he/she will look distorted. The wife MUST see her husband as God sees him, redeemed by the shed blood of Jesus and standing in the full stature of manhood. The husband MUST see his wife as the beautiful, wonderful gift that God gave to him.
One of the frightening, and at the same time exciting aspects of marriage is that it is always alive and growing, for if a wife and husband aren’t growing together, they are growing apart. Marriage is designed to be the most totally intimate of human relationships. It is the most difficult on the one hand and the most rewarding on the other. Intimacy deepens as we learn to be spiritually, emotionally, creatively, intellectually, recreationally, as well as physically, present to each other. Intimacy grows as couples care. Affection and intimacy are deepened by commitment. Intimacy is intensified as couples dare to confront each other. Some couples live under the same roof, share a common bed, finances, meals, even common church and prayer, but there is no real interchange. This can be veiled antagonism. Other couples only maintain peace by avoiding certain issues and subjects. Intimacy on any level takes time. It requires a face-to-face confrontation and it must be with selflessness.
Finally, as we learn to enjoy all that God intended for us as husbands and wives, we have an obligation to share this good news with others, primarily by our example. This is also part of God’s plan. Jesus said, “Ye are the salt of the earth” (Matthew 5:13). One of the first evidences about salt is that it makes one thirsty. Does your marriage make others desire to take the same step? It should.
Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven. Matthew 5:16
We have tried, in these few short pages, to emphasize: (1) the awesome responsibility and high calling of a wife in her relationship to her husband; (2) the love of God for the world, the love of Christ for the Church, and the corresponding love that a man should have for his wife; and (3) the mystery of the oneness of husband and wife. Our purpose in writing this book has been first and foremost because we believe the Lord said to do it. But we have some understanding of WHY the Lord told us to write this book. First, we believe that far too many Christian wives in the United States have difficulty with the idea of submitting to their own husbands, as unto the Lord. This is because a spirit of democracy, an independent spirit, and a spirit of materialism have permeated the Church in America and greatly affected believers. None of those three spirits should have any place in Christianity. Second, we believe that far too many Christian men do not know how to love their wives as Christ loved the Church or why they should. We men really don't fully understand how to love our wives as Christ loved the Church. Third, we believe that very few Christians really see what the Lord is after with respect to the oneness of husband and wife. We believe that such an understanding is critical in these end times.
A word of caution is in order! What we have presented should not be interpreted as a "cookbook" approach to a man loving his wife as Christ loved the Church or a wife submitting to her own husband as unto the Lord. Too many Christians today are looking for some "magic formula" or 1-2-3 steps to follow to perk up their marriage. Such an approach is always doomed to failure! The Lord Himself desires to teach us as we cry out to Him. Reading this book will NOT bring forth within a husband that love for his wife that Christ has for the Church; neither will this book bring forth the proper attitudes of the wife that are clearly stated in Scripture. Earnestly seeking the Lord WILL bring about that love and submission!
We hope that this book will be used by the Lord to increase your hunger after Him and His ways, particularly as they pertain to the relationship of a husband and wife. It is difficult to improve upon my grandmother's prayer: "Lord let me create hunger in their hearts, for until they hunger they cannot be fed."
Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness: for they shall be filled. Matthew 5:6
The Lord tells us in Luke 18:1 not to lose heart. The Lord is faithful! The sufferings and travail to fulfill the purposes of the Lord in our marriage cannot be compared with the glory that is to be revealed within us. Our journey of love into the mystery of that unity in marriage, likened to Christ and His bride, is like gazing at a distant mountain range which can only be seen in a haze of glory. But the closer we get to that mountain, the clearer we can see His beauty unfold.
Not by might, nor by power, but by My Spirit, saith the Lord of hosts. Zechariah 4:6
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